| It's late at night, and I am watching Dragonball Z and consuming Natty Boh in an unhealthily excessive fashion. There is a knock at my door. I stumble through the living room, and lean up against the cold metal door. "Who's there?" Silence. I peer through the peephole. Nothing, or wait, is that movement? Could have been someone (or something) dressed all in black, moving swiftly, like a ninja (or a stealthy black monkey). I open the door to get a better look. Nothing. No one. Nowhere. My foot runs into something hard. I look down.
It's a box. Yellow Black and Rectangular. I try to pick it up, but it's so cold that it burns my hands. It falls back to the sidewalk with a loud metallic clatter. Someone's light turns on across the street. I run back inside, and get my oven mitts. I pick it up, clear some beer cans, bottles, and pornographic magazines off the coffee table, and set it down. The glass table quickly becomes foggy from condensation. There's a red button on top of the box. I press it.
A loud hiss surrounds me. Thick smoke, like from dry ice, shoots out of previously unnoticed vents along the sides of the box. It twists open in a complex configuration, like the puzzle box from Hellraiser, and falls apart on the table. When the smoke clears, I see two jars, labeled "freegel," and "nodegel," respectively.
I'm shocked. I don't know what to think. I light a cigarette, only realizing after the fact that I probably shouldn't expose these unknown elements to flame. I take a couple puffs, and drop it in a nearby beer can. It hisses as it hits the thin layer of liquid at the bottom of the can, and I quickly reorient myself to the reality of the situation. I had read about this stuff, but never really thought about it. Who sent me this? Why? What the hell am I supposed to do with it?
I pick up the jar of freegel. It's warm, which shocks me a bit, as I was expecting it to be very cold, like the box. I remove the lid. It has a faint, vague, and unidentifiable aroma. I stick the tip of my finger in it. It's soft, warm, viscous, slippery. I taste it, and my entire mouth tingles. I begin to salivate. I lean back on the sofa, emitting a soft moan. I rub my hand along the front of my shirt. It's soft. I'm wearing silk. My hand moves along the buttons. I'm not entirely aware what I'm doing, but I feel somehow compelled. I undo the buttons, and touch the finger to my chest. My flesh tingles at contanct with the freegel, and goose bumps form all over my body. I take off my shirt.
I reach my hand into the jar again, and take out a hand full. It feels just like K-Y Jelly, I think to myself. I smear it all over my chest. Power runs through my body. I feel like I've just stuck a fork in an electrical outlet. My back arches, and I feel like I'm rising up into the air. Suddenly, I'm not wearing any pants. There's a warm, warming glow all around me. I recognize it. It's bliss.
I look down, my entire body is radiating blue light. I can see my bones and veins through my skin. What's happening to me? I close my eyes, but I can still see the light. The light encompasses me, consumes me, becomes me. I am pure, I am free, I am here. I am everything.
My god, it's full of nodegel! | 
