BeltaneWaning Gibbous
when searching for a long lost book, one should always have a chance encounter with a librarian, who in a random act of kindness gifts you a map showing all the fake books which really open secret libraries of magic and victorian pornography. or accidentally on purpose finding the bookshelf which swings open to reveal The Great Library in all its glory, containing every book ever dreamed of and a giant tortoise named Alexander who follows you around with a weighty tome upon his back in which to write requests. and when you get tired you can sit on his back while you finish that story you never got to the end of. §
when searching for a long lost book, one should always have a chance encounter with a librarian, who in a random act of kindness gifts you a map showing all the fake books which really open secret libraries of magic and victorian pornography. or accidentally on purpose finding the bookshelf which swings open to reveal The Great Library in all its glory, containing every book ever dreamed of and a giant tortoise named Alexander who follows you around with a weighty tome upon his back in which to write requests. and when you get tired you can sit on his back while you finish that story you never got to the end of.
§
This is going to be boring, ok?.
Carrie and I are now just putting everything on hold. Carrie got really stressed about school, and then she started thinking about us, and then she got a yeast infection, so she called her sister Emily who told her "I think you should tell Mike that you need to take some time away to have your own space" (or something like that) then I came over, and she had papers piled all around her and was stressing. She started telling me how much I mean to her and that she's crazy about me, and loves being with me, but that while that's happening she feels like she's at a time in her life where she wants to be single and have time alone and be with different people when she wants. She's coming out of a 2-year relationship that was lingering around when I came into the picture. I really wasn't expecting to hear all of this when I came over, I was only interested in saying hi, and then I wanted to go to bed. This whole thing with us has gone pretty fast, but I've really dropped a few things just because I was excited about being with her. She's done the same, and it's causing frustration and other problems with her. What sucks is that now she and I are on a pretty loosely-defined hiatus. Supposedly this will last for a month, or about the rest of our time at school. This will involve us not calling each other as much, only maybe seeing each other once a week, or with other people, and us seeing other people. Yeah, this is confusing for me. I didn't want this to happen, ever, but I also don't want to go out with her if she's feeling trapped by the whole situation. I'm all for being in a great relationship that's going to go somewhere right now, but I can't ignore the problems she's having with the situation enough for them not to be a problem for me, too.
So, Carrie told me she wants our status relegated down to "Dating". Carrie said she's incredibly happy with me and she said "I Love You". It's great to hear that, and as much as she believes that, it doesn't sound so cool hearing that while you're being dumped. There isn't anything about me that she wants or needs me to change. She's left me messages, and emailed me already telling me she misses me but that she feels like we made the right decision, and she doesn't want me to hate her. I don't know whether it's the right decision, but I don't hate her, and I just miss her a lot and it sucks. I have seen her ex-boyfriend become somewhat of a sap to her emotions. I can't really relate this to anything except for the movie "Dogpark" which wasn't that cool, but I feel like that actress what's her face. Fuck a duck, life is complicated. I think this is going to turn out all right though, and maybe it will turn out really great : )
Work is a mystery again. I just don't know what's going on. Okay, I know a little bit of what's going on, but not enough to do a decent job of anything. It makes me want to give up.
I remember a time when it wasn't like this, when I was working with code I knew, code I wrote. It all changed in the past year or so. Sigh.
To enjoy coding again. It was fun once. It was once going to be the point of my life. This isn't it. If this is the point, it's going to be a sad and sorry one.
Please help me figure this out. It's too easy not to do anything about this and to just let it drag on, to keep bearing the weight of suffering instead of throwing it off. But what should I do then? Please tell me how to pull through. Is this simply not important enough to get worked up about?
It obviously isn't, but what is the alternative? Should I even be looking for one? There must be a better way. Instead of looking to fix things, I am looking for escape. That is not a good sign... I'm probably reading the wrong books.
You still have your whole life ahead of you. Fresh from school... but the future doesn't look all that bright on the job front either. Is that not the point? Are there other things about the future we should be focusing on instead of the daily grind? That's probably it, isn't it?
they're faking it. it's all just cliches. and i hate it.
Of course the effect was completely spoiled by the 5,000 other people who had also come to observe the ceremony - most of them a bit drunk to convince themselves that getting up at 4:30 in the morning really was a sensible idea, and one idiot who decided it would be a really good idea to jump off the bridge into the river (so observing another old Oxford tradition). Still, nature made the effort!
Now it's 6:30am and I've 4 hours before any sane people start doing normal things like lectures. Or I could always go out and join the Morris Dancers around their maypole.
Oh, God. I am in the Jack Chick pamphlet called "He Didn't Think Wicked Retahded Would Be All That -- So He Stayed Home".
I have missed our Woodstock.
The power of the whole thing is overwhelming.
The stated case is quite interesting and at the same time colored with what could be called a great difficulty.
I plan on doing some noding and I shall make a severe attempt.
I also notice with dismay that my daylog entry has been downvoted. I take this as very bad form.
Not really.
Look at those flowers: bright purple flames shooting out of that tree.
They don't look anything like flames. They look like goddamn flowers.
Explosions. Tiny purple explosions.
Flowers. They are bright purple, startling when you look up from gray cement and see them blooming out of dark green, but they are clearly not pyrotechnic in nature.
You're right, I'm tricking myself into believing my own bullshit again... thank God I have you.
You're not Holden Caulfield. You don't want to be him.
That's true as well. You are spot-on today. I should be happy that I am able to deceive myself enough to get by.
You deceive yourself more than enough to get by. You think you're obsessed with truth, just because it's on your mind a lot, but you're faking even that. Maybe you ARE Holden Caulfield.
It's interesting, though, about the flowers. They are just flowers, that's true, but people don't understand it if you just say it to them like that. They look up "flowers" and cross-reference it with "purple" and they see that the meaning is filed somewhere under "dull" and they're content to believe that you just made a coherent statement but they don't bother to really think about what you're talking about.
What the hell are you talking about?
I'm saying you have to fly in under the radar. You can't just describe something in plain, flat detail, that's not how people see the world. People contort what they see around their own beliefs, their own context, you know? And everything anyone says to them has to be contorted in the same way, according to the same code, or they either misunderstand or just don't get it. So you gotta speak their language. I don't mean language as in "English," I mean their emotional language. You have to say the flower is an explosion or somesuch because then they really think about it. Part of it is just shocking them, making them cautious. It's about grabbing the attention. Then when they really think about it they realize that the flowers-as-explosions idea really appeals to them, if they're on the same wavelength as you, and they really get it.
So it's about flying in under the radar and grabbing the attention...
Yeah, I'm not explaining it too well but give me a break, I'm freestylin'. So this is poetry I'm talking about. The only problem is, it's not platform-independent. If you say "I saw a purple flower" anybody who speaks English will have a basic, non-emotional understanding of what you're saying. But you gotta be careful with poetry. You have to make your words full and alive, the way people see the world, without committing too much to a particular viewpoint. For a long time I didn't understand poetry, but now I think I'm having kind of a revelation.
Have you ever considered that maybe you still don't understand poetry?
Of course. You're my subconscious or something, after all. Or maybe you're that Slim Jim I ate earlier.
If I'm your subconscious, and I'm telling you that the flowers look nothing like fire or explosions, you should probably believe me, no? If that concept doesn't appeal to me, it clearly isn't part of your "emotional language" or whatever. You're just bullshitting again.
I never claimed to be a poet, but I can try... maybe those comparisons are unsuitable, but they were the best I could come up with.
You probably heard it somewhere and were just repeating it.
Maybe. Let's drop it, this endless introspection is exhausting. In fact, would you mind just going somewhere else for a while?
Eat me!
MayDay! MayDay!
Another Monthly Edition of the Daylog Digest
This is the day you can bring out all your socialistic leaning covert previously suppressed because of your insatiable appetite for 21st Century comfort zone toys.
This is the day to dance around the Maypole with your finest linen Druid outfit. Maybe it is a good day to go to Cape May.
Get to the Point
If you are actually reading this diatribe dedicated, predicated, and pedagogated to the first day of May, you may want more personal content. Well, it is not too exciting, but I am happy to be alive....at this moment.
Logging In
I have become an E2 perfectionist. I have several nodes started, and am endeavoring to finish them only when they communicate the full potential needed.
I am still trying to physically get used to the Frozen Food Manager position. The legs are tired, and the fingers literally worn like some old glove. Here is an important piece of jargon for your trivial whatever:
BOGO
I am going to make this more challenging: You must msg /me to get the answer. (Unless, of course, it is in this marvelous datagel.)
The Artsy Phartsey Partsy
Node Sully Node
Kind of like "Ride, Sally Ride" rapido
You just keep on typing away, now Baby... Got to put my homework on hold... Put your fat fingers on the old... Node Sully, node.
-Theodore Roosevelt
"Don't like a writeup? For only 1000 USD, you can have it killed. For 10000 USD, it will be painfully killed! Hurry - this one-time-offer expires at the end of this month."
