Love is touching souls, surely you touched mine

created by juliet

(idea) by juliet (1 y) (print) ? (I like it!) 3 C!s Thu Mar 09 2000 at 7:00:36

That is a lyric from the song "A Case of You" by Joni Mitchell.. I have it on repeat right now.

I had a very sad, horrid day.. but it was topped off with a call from a friend.. inquiring about my ex.. he is missing.. he could be fine, or dead.. knowing him either one is possible.

Earlier today, I noded my journal entry from 1995.. about our first kiss.. "The day I realized what being alive was".. He is my first true love.. in many ways.. I lost my "virginity" to him.. he was my childhood sweetheart, prince charming, first romance, true love, the first person I bore my soul to, and the only man I have ever been IN love with.

I would do anything to see him healthy and happy. Even if it meant never having him anywhere in my life.. I would sacrifice that, because knowing he was happy.. well.. it would be worth it..

I've been through it all with him.. affairs, crisis, addiction, issues, skeletons, fears, desperation.. his/mine/ours.. I am scared.. I am worried.. I am sad.. I am torn and feel ripped apart..

I was going over some nodes I've written about him.. "i miss you, damn you for being so damn amazing" was written to try to sort ideas out on paper.. "Why I am neurotic about love" is basically just me trying to put down in words.. how his prescence in my life has effected me.. "May 1, 1998", is a journal entry of when he walked back into my life again and the tragic events that followed.. and "Letter Interrupted" was a goodbye letter I sent to him when I tried to fall out of love with him..

I dunno.. reading these make me want to cry.. but being me.. I can't let the tears fall.. I can just physically feel my heart being torn in my chest..

"I wish I could let you know that you saved my life.. and you helped show me it was worth living.. when you got married.. part of me was elated.. i thought "he may not be with me.. but at least he is finally happy".. if i thought you were happy.. when I last saw you.. what happened never would have.. I want you in my life.. you bring out a part of me I didn't know exsisted.. but you cant pull the strings that you do.. part of me will always be in love with you.. I'm not sure if that is good or bad.." - 10/99

printable version
chaos

The day I realized what being alive was	I miss you, damn you for being so damn amazing	Why I am neurotic about love	May 1, 1998
Little parts of you trapped inside other people	Everything women respond to Webster 1913	True love happens	Letting go of old promises and fairy tales
Making someone feel loved	I saw a shadow touch a shadow's hand	This exact place where we laughed so much and the way you said my name will echo always in my brain	Fuck blame
You feather touch, you open skies	I am scared	eaten from the inside	He paints rainbows
Blood on the sheets	A moment of extreme unreality	magnetic poetry	She is stupidly keeping herself a secret, when I know she has sparkly things to show me
Every time I look at this picture, I feel a little more in love	Colleen	Duck Hunt	The most direct path in my soul, is from me to you

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