Little Red Riding Hood (Conservatively Correct Version)

Once upon a time there was a dumb little broad named Little Red Riding Hood. This was back when people had four names, a few people still have long weird names today, but this is good as it serves us in finding out who the problem people are when we can't actually see them. Anyway, one day, being the abject airhead she was, Little Red Riding Hood decided to take a basket of fruit to her grandmother's house through a wolf infested woods without proper weaponry. Her grandmother, an ignorant bimbo in her own right, had no job, so just laid around in bed all day waiting for someone to give her handouts. Not only was she a lazy bum living off the sweat of others, but she was also dumb enough to not possess a semi-automatic machine pistol which is what makes Gooseland the safe place it is. For as you know, it is well documented that we only have ten times as many gun deaths as the other Fairylands.

While Little Red Riding Hood was mindlessly wandering through the woods -- as women always do when grappling with nature -- unbeknownst to her, a wolf got into Grandma's bedroom, ripped her wrinkly old throat out, and fed on her internal organs until there was nothing left of the unarmed welfare leech Grandma but a frilly nightdress. The wolf, with a bent toward being a fag, put the old lady's jammies on and laid in the bed figuring that sooner or later some other nitwit bitch would be by who he could eat.

By and by, Little Red Riding Hood entered Grandma's bedroom to see in the bed a large bloody mouthed wolf in a dress. So the dumb chick, with her brain obviously wandering in some feminazi fantasy land they spend most of their time in, totally missed the reality of the matter and began commenting on the size of the wolf's various facial features. The wolf, enraged at having to listen to the stupid broad's nonsensical ramblings, jumped out of the bed and ate Little Red Riding Hood.

Do not fret, the story has a happy ending. A Woodsman, a firm advocate of supply side economics, 2nd Amendment absolutism, sometimes owl hunter, seal clubber and whale harpooner was in the neighborhood clear cutting the forest and mowing down anything that moved with his arsenal of high tech weaponry. Hearing the slurping sounds of the wolf feeding on dumb broads, he ran into the small cabin and let fly 16 rounds of 12 gauge buckshot from his Streetsweeper, in less than ten seconds the wolf was shot into various hunks of flying flesh.

There is a moral to the story: That even though someone does the world a favor by eliminating liberal leaning feminazi bimbos, we must, for the sake of public relations, draw the line at eating them.

Ahem.

"Little Red Riding Hood"
by BMan

Once upon a time there was this chick in a cloak. Cause her garment was as red as the Communist flag, everyone called her 'Little Red Riding Hood.' One day she decided she would go on a walk through the woods to take some food to her grandmother. Grandma had spent all her social security money on bingo and slot machines, and didn't have enough for her own food, which she would have if social security had been gambled on the stock market instead.

Anyway, being a loose harlot, Li'l Red didn't have a man to accompany her on her walk outside, like she should have, so she packed up her basket by herself and set off.

Meanwhile, over at grandma's house, a wolf had come in and eaten up Grandma, which was vaguely tragic, but the strong eating the weak is just the way things are. The wolf then put on Grandma's clothing, indulging in some transvestitism, which is not the way things are, but shameful and wrong. He then got into Grandma's bed to wait for some more food to show up.

Eventually, Red showed up at her grandmom's house. On the way she had eaten a lot of the food from the basket, (she was one of them fat broads with no self control) but she had filled up the empty space with some communist party pamphlets and some drugs she had bought off a dealer whom the liberals had recently let out of jail.

Any man could have seen that it was wolf in the bed and not an elderly lady, but Red's pretty little head was all clouded with emotion, so she sat down and started chatting. Finally the wolf got sick of this girl talking about his body parts, and he jumped up and killed her. This was perhaps even more vaguely tragic, but since Red's slutty single lifestyle was sure to lead to a bunch of venereal diseases and abortions, it pretty much works out okay.

The wolf knelt down by the dead body to say grace, thanking the Lord for both providing the meal, and providing the rugged individualism needed to acquire the meal. Unfortunately, an atheist woodsman was passing by, and he heard the wolf praying, and mistaking the old woman's house for a school, he immediately came in and shot the wolf dead, which just goes to show you that the only prejudice allowed in tolerant America is anti-wolf prejudice.

The woodman then buried Red's body, and took the story to the elite liberal media, who used it to pervert people's minds away from proper right-wing thinking. The clear moral of the story is that Republicans only want what's best for you.