Knife control

Alice Springs, Australia

A psycho maniac wielding a pair of deadly katana swords sliced and diced a group of helpess tourists at Alice Springs in Australia today. Before he committed hara kiri, he mentioned something about the government taking away all his guns because of some other psycho in Hobart, and he was angry that his collection of ancient muskets were confiscated, hence his killing spree.

The outraged citizens of Australia, fearing for their lovely little children, demanded that the government install knife control, a strict set of restrictions limiting the distribution of anything at or below the length of swiss army knives, and banning longer blades outright. Several civil liberties groups, especially ones in New South Wales and Queensland, as well as the Outback, complained to the government, saying that with their guns gone, their knives were their only line of defense. Says the Crocodile Dundee:

"Those bloody wankers in the ACT already took away all my guns, and I had to hunt after the 20-foot crocs with nothing but knives! Look at me! One of the buggers bit off my left hand already! Now they want me to hunt bare-handed? What if they bite off my other hand? Then I can't hold my Foster's anymore!"

In response to the complaints, several "blade awareness groups", including the Citizens for a Safer, Knife-less Australia and Association against pointy objects, marched in Canberra to push for stricter laws against knives. They were seen running around the nation's capital, screaming abuse at the smaller and helpess group of pro-knife defenders. However, when the civil liberties groups pulled out their blades to defend themselves against the mob, they immediately called for the police to arrest them, claiming that they were carrying concealed weapons. They then covered the eyes of their children, telling them not to look at the "horrible murderers".

It was all in vain for the freedom fighters, for the anti-knife law was passed, giving the citizens of Australia a much needed feeling of self-righteousness and sense of security. The now defunct Knife Party, formerly the Gun Party (disbanded when guns were banned), changed its name to the Cricket Bat Party in anticipation of the next wave of anti-self-defense legislation oozing out of Canberra.

In another story, a bunch of meat pie-throwing thugs robbed several homes in the trendy suburb of Paddington, Sydney today, after the homeowners, deprived of their beloved knifes, failed to fight them off. John Howard promised to enact laws banning meat pies, an Australian culinary speciality. "It's for the children.", he added.

If you haven't realized it yet, that was sarcasm.

Arrrgh! My Little Tony and the Care Blairs strike again!

Following this, a mere four months later, a man with a history of mental health problems walked into a primary school and attacked a class of 5- and 6-year old children with a machete. Without a doubt this was a horrific attack, and it was only due to the bravery of the teacher who put herself between the attacker and the kids, that nobody died in the incident. But guess what? Following this attack the Government proposed introducing laws to make possession of knives and bladed weapons illegal.

No matter that it was already illegal to carry around a knife with a blade longer than four inches. No matter that the man who attacked these children had spent his entire life bein treated for paranoid schizophrenia. Even Prince Phillip decided to get involved, famously stating that if he beat someone to death with a golf club would the Government propose outlawing the game of golf.

So DMan, what you wrote down as a work of fiction set in Australia is pretty damn close to being fact in modern New Labour's "New Britain".