Jesus Christ Trigonal Planar

Jesus Christ Trigonal Planar
"An incredible mid-afternoon snack of Chemistry!"

Background Notes:
Jesus Christ Trigonal Planar was written by Modnar and a few other misguided souls during their senior year at St. Xavier High School in Cincinnati, Ohio. This musical, based slightly on Chemistry, Jesus Christ Superstar, and some really bad crack, is another case of way too many inside jokes left for far too long in the refrigerator. And without further adieu, on to the musical!

Scene 1

(Jesus Christ Trigonal Planar enters a chemical supply store. The sign out front names it "Big Bob's Discount Used But Not Misused Chemicals." Jesus approaches the counter. Big Bob stands behind the counter ready to help his customer.)

Big Bob: May I help you, sir?

Jesus Christ: Do you sell chemicals here?

BB: Yes. We also sell frozen twinkies, which I call frinkies.

JC: I'd like to buy this acid over here, please. (points to acid)

BB: Okay, but I must warn you...the acid is diprotic.

JC: That's bad.

BB: But it comes with a free frinkie.

JC: That's good.

BB: But the frinkie is also diprotic.

JC: That's bad.

BB: But it comes with your choice of spurious products.

JC: That's good...I think.

BB: But the spurious products contain Potassium Hydrogen Phthalalte.

JC: (dumbfounded) Uhh....?

BB: That's bad. (Jesus pays, gets his stuff, and starts to leave) By the way, what's your name, boy? (enter random seventies dancers for Jesus Christ Trigonal Planar theme song)

Scene 2

(Seventies dancers become normal customers (wow!) after song. Jesus leaves the store with his purchase while munching on the frinkie. Two "Syndicate" type looking men (agents of pHuck) walk in at the same time. Jesus and the men bump shoulders. Jesus drops his frinkie. The men step on the frinkie. Nothing happens. They get mad and kick the frinkie.)

JC: Hey! What you wanna go kickin' my frinkie for, eh?

Agent #1: Hey, you hoser! Watch where you're goin', eh!

Agent #2: What's in the bag?

JC: Acid. Diprotic Acid.

Ag#2: So what's its pH?

JC: Uhh...I don't know. I have not titrated it yet.

Ag#2: That's bad. (dramatic pause) For you! (laughs maniacally)

Ag#1: (to Ag#2) You don't like him. I don't like him either.

JC: I'll try to be dead.

Ag#1: You'll be careful! (agents pull out their lead pipes and prepare to beat up JC. Suddenly Dan Mess enters from stage right.)

Dan Mess: Hey guys! Quit picking on him! (Agents stop moving towards JC and look at Dan) Uh-Oh! (agents attack and beat the living crap out of Dan. JC escapes during the commotion.)

Scene 3

(The agents bring Dan before the hot bitch, pHuck, the second false prophet, at pH HQ)

pHuck: Who has been brought before me?

Ag#2: This insolent fool, your hot bitchiness, stopped our assassination attempt on Jesus Christ Trigonal Planar. (JCTP theme song sung)

pH: What is your name, foolish mortal?

DM: I'm Dan Mess. (Burn Dan Mess Chant starts softly and slowly builds)

pH: What?!! Dan Mess is in my head quarters?!! Burn him! (DM is tied to a spit and dowsed with gasoline. A fire is lit under him and he is rotated on the spit. He catches on fire and screams in agony as he dies.) Now get that crispy piece of crap out of here! (agents scramble to do her bidding) You have failed me once. Fail again and we will have you for dinner instead of Dan Mess! Jesus must die! He showed me up on every AP Chemistry test! Go! Kill him! (Jesus Must Die song)

Scene 4

(The agents of pHuck walk down the street, pull an Automatic Teller Machine out of its place, and hoist it to the roof of a building.)

Ag#1: When Jesus comes by, we'll drop this ATM on him, eh!

Ag#2: Yeah. He'll never withstand one ATM of pressure! (bad joke drum thing)

(Jesus walks down the street, whistling his theme song. Agents drop the ATM on him, pinning him down.)

JC: Oh no! I'm trapped beneath one ATM of pressure and I can't get up.

Ag#1: We told you to be careful, hoser! Now die!

JC: Help! Help! (down the street, mild mannered discount chemical store owner, Big Bob, hears the call for help. He runs out of his store, into a phone booth, and emerges as SUPER SATURATED.)

Ag#1: It's an acid!

Ag#2: It's a base!

JC: It's a freak of nature!

Ag#1&2: It's Tom Crookham?

BB: No! It's SUPER SATURATED! (superhero music)

All except BB: Who?

BB: SUPER SATURATED! Defender of truth, justice, and the chemical way!

Ag#1&2: Run away! (they run away. BB helps JC out from under the ATM by picking it up and tossing it into the street, hitting a random Canadian.)

Random Canadian: Hey you hoser!!!! (screams and dies)

JC: Thank you for saving me.

BB: All in a day's work for a discount chemical supply man. (superhero music fades into the background as they part company)

Scene 5

(JC walks into Disco Stu's House of Muffins. Disco music is heard in the background. The restaurant has no other customers. JC walks over to be seated. A stick man with a huge smile on his face, Mr. Smiley Guy, seats him in his regular booth. There is a big five in the middle of the table. Disco Stu comes out to meet JC.)

Disco Stu: How's it hanging, Trig man?

JC: A little to the left, thank you Stu.

DS: No. I mean, what's happenin' man?

JC: Well...so far today two guys have tried to kill me twice, but so far I've been stayin' alive. (Suddenly, all the workers/seventies dancers run out of the kitchen and sing and dance to "Stayin' Alive". Afterwards, they all return to the kitchen. Mr. Smiley Guy brings JC his food.) What's with your new waiter?

DS: Mr. Smiley Guy? He loves to smile.

JC: Oh. (He takes a bite of his food.) Hey Stu, why don't you ever have any other customers?

DS: Disco Stu don't advertise. (JC eats a little more.) I see that you are at your regular table, table five. (Seventies dancers return and sing and dance to "Table Five" and then leave again.)

JC: Stu, why is there so much disco music in here?

DS: Disco Stu loves disco music.

JC: Well, it's been great as usual, but I need to leave. I need to be in the Philippines in twelve minutes for a conference. (JC pays and leaves. Slightly later the Agents of pHuck walk in and approach DS.)

Ag#1: Hey, you hoser, have you seen this guy? (He shows DS a picture of JC)

DS: Yeah. He's back in the kitchen. (the agents walk back into the kitchen. Workers/seventies dancers surround the agents and spray them with silly string. The agents are captured.) Toss 'em in the Muff-O-Matic guys! We'll have special muffins this week!

Ag#1&2: No! (They are tossed into the machine. They scream a lot and the machine makes a lot of noise. A ding is heard when the machine finishes. Two muffins pop out. Stu places them at the front counter and places a sign by them: "Agents of pHuck Muffins, 2 for 99 cents".)

Intermission

It's intermission time. Go buy a fifty-cent drink from the poor lads stuck selling concessions in the third floor hallway and then sit back and enjoy the rest of the musical!

Scene 6

(pHuck walks into Disco Stu's House of Muffins. She sees the agent muffins.)

pH: Did you use my agents in these muffins?

DS: (with a shifty look) Maybe. Maybe not.

pH: How then, do you explain Agent of pHuck muffins?!!

DS: Disco Stu don't give out his secret recipes.

pH: (She buys the muffins and walks out.) Well, I said that I would eat them for dinner if they failed. (She takes a bite of muffin.) Wow! Not bad. (She stops at a pay phone and dials Gilroy, the first false prophet,'s number.)

Gilroy: (He stands in the St. X cafeteria next to a trash can that he was pushing. His cellular phone starts ringing and he answers it.) Who is this? You're blowing my cover!

pH: It's pHuck. I need your help to get rid of Jesus Christ Trigonal Planar. (JCTP theme song)

Gr: Don't you have agents for this sort of thing?

pH: Yes, but they've been turned into muffins. Quite tasty muffins, but muffins none the less.

Gr: Save one for me.

pH: (she stuffs the last muffin in her mouth and continues to speak with her mouth full.) Too bad. I just ate the last one.

Gr: So what do you want me to do?

pH: I need some competent agents.

Gr: I'll find some assassins to rid you of this (pause) problem. I must go now. The children are ridiculing me.

Scene 7

(Two shadowy men meet in an alley. Both wear black trench coats and dark sunglasses. One carries an audio cassette recorder with a tape and a video tape. One of them turns on the recorder. Gilroy's voice is heard and the theme to Mission: Impossible plays in the background.)

Gr: (On tape) This message is for Lanogirt Ranalp and Susej Tsirhc. Any others listening to this tape will self destruct. (Random bum in alley blows up with a scream.) Your mission, should you choose to accept it, and you will or you will be subject to a slow, painful death, is to seek out and destroy Jesus Christ Trigonal Planar. (JCTP theme song) If you fail, all your knowledge will be erased and you will no longer know that you exist. This message will self destruct in five seconds. (Lanogirt Ranalp throws the tape recorder over his shoulder into the street. It explodes, killing a Random Canadian.)

Susej Tsirhc: How will we find this Jesus and when will we ever find out the identity of our employer?

Lanogirt Ranalp: I don't know. Let's watch this tape.

ST: What is it a tape of?

LR: Maybe it's a porno.

ST: I don't know. Let's look at the label.

(The label says "Jesus Christ Trigonal Planar: The Chemistry Musical". They put it in the VCR that has now magically appeared. They fast forward through random scenes in the musical.)

LR: Try here. Stop. (They play the video at normal speed.)

ST: (The picture is showing what is presently happening.) What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the musical?

LR: Now. You're looking at now. Everything that happens now is happening now.

ST: What happened to then?

LR: We past that.

ST: When?

LR: Just now. We're at now, now.

ST: Go back to then.

LR: When?

ST: Now.

LR: I can't.

ST: Why?

LR: We missed it.

ST: When?

LR: Just now.

ST: When will then be now?

LR: Soon.

ST: How soon?

LR: (Jesus suddenly appears on screen. He is at a conference in the Philippines.) Look! We've found him! It looks like he's in the Philippines.

ST: How do you know?

LR: Can't you read? It's flashing across the screen.

ST: (He breaks down and cries.) I never learned to read!

Scene 8

(Jesus stands at the chemistry convention in the Philippines. He is conversing with several professors, including Foolish Mortal, M.D., who are amazed with his knowledge.)

Foolish Mortal, M.D.: So, you're saying that the mass of Your Mom is equal to the price of a Gooch crucible?

JC: Yes, but it only holds if the antibonding is more antibonding than the bonding is bonding. If not, then everything we know is wrong and I have a rabid wolverine in my underwear.

FM: How then, do you explain blueberry muffins?

JC: Well, it all has to do with entropy. If the world is subject to entropy, then entropy is subject to entropy. Ergo, if the world is subject to order, then order is subject to order. Thus, if you order a cheese burger, the world would be subject to your cheese burger. Then you could order the world in a Combo Meal with fries and a Coke.

FM: What does this have to do with blueberry muffins?

JC: Patience. All will be revealed in time. Anyway, the point is that entropy and order are subject to each other and cancel each other out, so we live in a state of perpetual oblivion. Therefore, neither entropy nor order can exist and things should be left as they are, such as a room in a state of so-called entropy having not yet reached any semblance of the so-called state of order, which exists somewhere between the states of Tennessee and Kentucky.

FM: So you're saying that we don't have to clean our rooms?

JC: Yes, but there's more than that. Continuing my point, and I do have one, is the saying "good things come to those who wait for the blueberry muffins to come out of the Muff-O-Matic." It is thus theorized that waiting and good are things symbolic of perfect order. Yet after this new insight, we know that this cannot be, because waiting is bad, good is dumb, and thus evil will always triumph over good, which will then spontaneously combust, like a banana. Therefore, good things and waiting are dimensionless points in the choas of our universe, which stretches out to infinity, which is really just eight on its side. It is unwise to find the order, or lack of order, between these two points. So go ahead and buy the cheap Disco Stu Brand muffins. Betty Crocker is an evil empire and will eventually triumph over Stu anyway. So save your money while you can, because the end is near...and it's triple coupon week at Kroger's.

All professors: IT IS?!!! (They all run out of the room.)

Scene 9

(Lanogirt Ranalp and Susej Tsirhc stand outside the Philippines convention hall talking to a Random Canadian.)

LR: Hey mister, (showing him a picture of JC) have you seen this...

ST: (He cuts LR off when he sees a stampede of professors moving toward them.) OH MY GOD!!! It's a stampede!

Random Canadian: No! It's triple coupon week at Kroger's!

LR: They have Kroger's in the Philippines?

ST: I don't think they care! (Chariots of Fire plays as the crowd moves in slow motion toward ST and LR. They give slo mo looks of horror and are trampled. After they are trampled time goes regular speed. They get up, dust themselves off, and walk towards the building entrance. A man stands guarding the entrance.)

Guard: Halt! Before you enter you must answer me these questions three.

RC: Ask me your questions you hoser, eh.

Gd: What is your name spelled backwards?

RC: Modnar Naidanac

Gd: What is your quest?

RC: I really gotta pee!

Gd: What is your favorite color?

RC: Hasselbauch.

Gd: You hoser! Go on in. (ST walks up) What is your name spelled backwards?

ST: Jesus Christ

Gd: What is your quest?

ST: I want to kill Jesus Christ Trigonal Planar. (JCTP theme song)

Gd: What is your favorite color?

ST: Red...I mean Nernst! (ST is launched into orbit. Nernst theme song plays.)

Gd: (to LR) What is your name spelled backwards?

LR: Trigonal Planar.

Gd: What is your quest?

LR: To kill Jesus Christ Trigonal Planar. (JCTP theme song)

Gd: Where does that music keep coming from?

LR: The orchestra is right over there. (He points toward the orch.)

Gd: No it's not! (He runs over and finds the orch.) Oh no!! (He gets blasted into orbit. LR walks inside.)

Scene 10

(Mission: Impossible music plays in the background. LR comes through the door with his gun ready. He walks sneakily down the hall. A man with "Jim" written on his shirt sees him walk in.)

Jim: Shet de' do'!

LR: (He spins around and shoots at Jim. A bang flag pops out.) Doh! (Homer Simpson thing) Wrong gun! (He pulls out another gun, shoots the entire clip into Jim, and reloads. Jim dies. LR continues down the hall.) Jesus Christ! Where is that Jesus Christ?! (He finds a sign that says "This way to Jesus Christ". He follows it to a chapel where people are praying.) Doh!! Wrong Jesus! (He continues searching through the halls. He comes to a hall with infinite doors down it. He starts opening them.

Door 16: LR sees a mirror image of himself. He punches at it and gets punched.)

LR: Wait a minute...Jesus was back in Room 9! (LR runs back to Door 9 and opens it. Jesus is still there.) There you are Jesus Christ Trigonal Planar! (JCTP theme song)

JC: Who are you? What do you want?

LR: (pointing his gun at Jesus) I am here to kill you.

JC: So, which false prophet are you working for, eh?

LR: False prophet? What do you mean?

JC: They are the ones who want me dead. They must have hired you.

LR: Oh well. I'll kill you anyway.

JC: (A falling object sound is heard. JC looks up and then steps aside. Susej Tsirch falls through the ceiling and then through the floor.) What the hell was that?

LR: Susej Tsirhc. He must not have reached a geosyncronous orbit.

JC: I'm surprised that he didn't burn up during reentry.

LR: Well, if the lack of oxygen or the heat build up didn't kill him, then I'm sure the fall did.

JC: Yup. He's roasted, toasted, and mostily killed.

LR: And you will be too. (He laughs maniacally and shoots JC. JC coughs, spits, wheezes, and then dies.)

(Right after Jesus finishes dying, disgruntled professors enter the room.)

Profs: (grumbling) We couldn't find the Kroger's.

LR: There is no Kroger's, only Zuul.

Foolish Mortal, M.D.: You mean that it's triple coupon week at Zuul's?

LR: Yes.

FM: Is that Jesus lying there dead?

LR: There is no Jesus, only...(Professors cut him off)

Profs: You said that line already!

LR: Oh, sorry. Yes, that is Jesus and he is dead.

FM: We'll be the judge of that. All in favor of Jesus being alive? (All of the professors raise their hands.) All opposed? (LR raises his hand.) The motion clearly passes. You hear that, Jesus? You're still alive!

JC: (grumbles and gets up) What?

FM: Once again, democracy prevails over truth.

LR: Hey guys! There's an all night Zuul's open just down the street.

Profs: There is?! (They stampede out.)

LR: (pointing his gun at JC again) I'm only going to do this twice. (He shoots JC until he runs completely out of ammo.) And STAY DEAD, Jesus Christ Trigonal Planar!! (All the characters come out and sing the JCTP theme song for the finale. JC stands up and joins them.)

LR: STOP SINGING THAT SONG!!!!!! (He pulls out an uzi and guns down everyone. Suddenly Susej Tsirhc falls from the sky (again) and lands on LR.)

THE END

Credits

Find out once and for all who is responsible for this insult to literary sensibilities everywhere!

Creators
Ryan Vehr
Stimpy (a.k.a. Jeff Roberts)
Jerry Zoeller

Writers
Ryan Vehr
Stimpy (see above)

Creative support
Tom Crookham
Venessa Sears

Music by
Andrew Lloyd Webber
The Bee Gees

Lyrics by
Stimpy
Ryan Vehr
Rob Morris
The Bee Gees
Homer Simpson
Tom Crookham

Plagiarism victims
Jesus Christ Superstar
Star Wars
Doctor Vonderbrink
The Simpsons
The Hostess Corporation
The AP Chem Lab Book
Spaceballs
The 70's
The Bee Gees
The International House of Pancakes
Theatre Xavier's production of "The Wizard of Oz"
Mission: Impossible
Syndicate
Canada
The Scorched Earth Party
Wiggers
Superman
Monty Python
Sam and Max
Weird Al Yankovic
Rally's
Betty Crocker
Kroger's
Huck Finn
Looney Tunes
Batman
Ghost Busters
Democracy
Matt Wille
Will Yee
The Incredible Evening of Chemistry
Chemistry in General

Cast of characters
Jesus Christ Trigonal Planar
Big Bob
Seventies Dancers
Agent of pHuck #1
Agent of pHuck #2
Dan Mess
pHuck
Random Canadian
Mr. Smiley Guy
Disco Stu
Gilroy
Lanogirt Ranalp
Susej Tsirhc
Random Bum
Professors
Foolish Mortal, M.D.
Guard Jim
Dudeman
Manman
Matt Wille
Will Yee
Spanish Bee Guy
Storm Troopers
Game Show Host

Not appearing in this musical
Your Dad
Carl Holtman
Kenny Welch
Boy George
Benedictine Monks
The Laws of Physics

Songs
"JCTP Theme Song"
Performed by Gilroy and the False Prophets
Written by Stimpy, Rob Morris, and Ryan Vehr

"Jesus Must Die"
Performed by Jesus in a Sidecar
Written by Stimpy and Rob Morris

"SUPER SATURATED Theme"
Performed by Jesus in a Sidecar

"Stayin' Alive"
Peformed by the Bee Gees
Written by them too I assume

"Table Five"
Music by the Bee Gees
Written by Homer Simpson

"Nernst Theme"
Performed by Gilroy and the False Prophets
Written by Tom Crookham

"Mission: Impossible Theme"
Performed by whoever played it

This has been an ON CRACK production, brought to you in part by
Disco Stu's House of Muffins
The Seventies Preservation Society
Bad Spelers of the Wourld Untied
Kp: "The Evil Constant"
Those God Damn Antibonding Electrons
Doc V (for all the Chem jokes)
Do what you otter, add acid to water.
Dehydrated Hydrogen Hydroxide: "Just Add Water!"
Zuul Convenient Food Mart Inc.
The United Storm Troopers Union
The Chocolate Chunky Thing
Frinkies Anonymous

And Also

It's more evil than the number 6, more unlucky than the number 13, lasts longer than 8 on its side, takes longer to do than Your Mom, it's the number

15!

Note
No animals were hurt in the production of this musical. Dan Mess, however, was roasted, toasted, and mostily killed and is recovering at the Shriners Burn Institute in Room 666.

The Theme Song For Jesus Christ Trigonal Planar