It's just 10 a.m., and it's already turning into an awful day. Aside from having to get up at the usual ungodly hour, I wasn't able to check my e-mail this morning--the computer at home will no longer allow me online. Of course, my ISP will have no idea what's wrong and will insist that it's not their fault--which may be true, as I've come to distrust my modem.

But then Things Got Worse. When I turned on my work computer, I soon discovered that an online magazine I subscribe to has published an article I wrote. Unfortunately, it's an extremely poorly-written article--I wrote it mainly to ask the editor if I was using the right format. So now, my only publishing credit is a piece of crap. Does a world of good for my self-esteem, it does.

Then to close out the day, I got in a pointless online brawl with dannye. I didn't like his politics; he didn't like my politics. I pissed him off for no good reason. I wish I'd been sober, so I could've kept my common sense about me.

Actually, I've been a pill all day long. Apologies to anyone inconvenienced.

Slept five hours. Went to my cushy storage unit and brought home the rest of my kitchen stuff. Got my mail, went to the store, went out for sushi with Y, made milkshakes, managed to piss off Y, went to work.

I remember when left was left, and right was right. For the first time in a long time I feel like dying.. I love my life, but hate it at the same time.

I don't get it anymore. I just want to cry, and I can't. I cried New Year's Eve.. but.. I needed a lot of liquor to do it. Same with after the bar with NeXT.Boy. I love the people in my life.. but sometimes it is too hard to go on and smile. It hurts too much. To watch the beautiful creatures self-destruct. I don't know .. FUCK.. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to go insane. I want to loose it. I can't hurt those I love though. I feel so helpless..

I used to curse my apathy, now I curse my perception. Why? I don't know, Why not I suppose.. Zen?

All the beauty and love it has brought me.. I have had some pain and sorrow, I am not saying it wasn't fair, or not worth it.. I just feel lost right now.. the 10 shots of tequila probably helped.. bleh