I should have realized God would be punctual. I got to the bar late, and he was already sitting there, drinking a scotch, no ice. He stared at me evenly as I sat down next to him. He looked a lot like my father.
"Well," I said, not quite sure how to begin.
He just watched me, and sipped his drink.
"So you're God."
"Yep."
"Come here often?"
His gaze turned wintery. "Look, kid, you wanna waste my time, it's your perogative. But you do of course realize I've got other things to do. Come up with an intelligent question, or we'll call this done and I'll go home."
A reprimand from the almighty. "Ok," I stuttered, "Why English? Why aren't you communicating with me telepathically or something?"
He rolled his eyes. "I'm omniscient. I can speak whatever damned language I want. You want me to speak Russian? You want me to speak telepathically?"
Inside my head, I heard a booming voice: "Make with the questions."
"Alright," I gasped, "What about the meaning of life?"
"The meaning of life..." He nodded. "It's pretty simple. Be happy, be kind to your fellow humans. Try and do something that benefits everyone."
"That's it? What about serving G... you? What about piety and virtue?"
"Look, about the whole worship thing - it's a nice sentiment, but who the hell are you, any of you, to try and act on my behalf? I'm fucking omnipotent. I want something done, I do it myself. I don't need a planet full of drones. Why do you think you have free will?" He leaned closer to me. "I'll tell you this, about the meaning of life. I didn't create you for some mission. I did it because I wanted to see what you'd do. Eve? The tree of knowledge? It was a test, but not a mistake. And Satan never led her into it. You humans had free will from the beginning. Without it, you'd cease to be entertaining."
"How can we entertain you? I thought you knew everything?"
"I do. But I don't know it unless it happens. Or will happen. See what I mean? If I hadn't created you, I wouldn't know what you'd do with your lives. Pokemon, for instance. That's fucking entertaining. Otherwise it'd just be me, loafing around in heaven with all these fucking angels. Same ol', same ol'."
"So about the angels... Tell me about Satan."
"That little prick? You're all still hung up on him?"
"Er... I suppose we are."
God sighed and leaned back, crossing his arms behind his head. "Well, for starters, he's short. Lots of facial hair. But, of course, he lives in hell, so I don't see much of the guy. We don't exactly have deep conversations."
"I understand. But what about the whole origin of evil thing? Is all that true?"
"Of course not. You make your own choices. And you weren't my first experiment. Your world is chaotic, not just your species. Natural disasters, all that shit, I don't trigger them one by one, they're random. I'm just the... whaddaya call it... first mover."
"Why not a perfect world?"
"I've got heaven for that. No problems, no surprises. What can I tell you? It's bland. It gets old. Human suffering, I understand how you feel about it and everything, but life's not fair, you know? That's what makes it interesting."
"For us, or for you?"
"Both. If it was perfect, you'd have no incentive to do anything new. Thus, no entertainment for me."
"God... Do you love us?"
"Of course I love you. Every fucking last imperfect one of you. But I ain't your mommy, if that's what you're trying to get at. You protect yourselves, you make your own way."
"So, wait... You talk about heaven, hell, Satan... Does that mean that Christianity is the truth?"
"Nope." He finished his drink.
"Then what does it mean?"
"It means you came in here with a concept of what I'd be, of how I'd answer your questions. Some you honestly didn't think you knew the answers to, but you came with a lot of assumptions. You were raised to believe in God, and believe in him a certain way, so here I am. I'm here to disseminate information, not to shatter your personal worldview. I ain't got time for that. There's something like heaven, like hell. There's also something like reincarnation, like karma. Sometimes you're right, Sometimes you're wrong. You just gotta learn not to take the word of any demagogue who shows up and starts talking. Most of it, you're not supposed to know. It's too big for you. You just gotta do what you can with your own life, you know?"
"Sure. So you're saying I don't have to believe in you at all?"
He seemed exasperated. "I don't know where you guys got the idea that I've got this crippling insecurity complex, but I don't. I don't have self-esteem issues, ok? I don't need the complete devotion of every single person on this planet. I don't even need the devotion of one."
"Ok, sure. So... What do you do for fun, God?"
"For fun?" He laughed, shaking the table. "I fuck with the televangelists."
"So you really do talk to them?"
"Oh yeah. It's great. Maybe kind of juvenile, but like I said, I gotta do something to pass the days." He looked at his watch. "Ah, speaking of that, I gotta get going. Nice to talk to you, kid. You're gonna die when you're 32. Try and have a good time until then, ok?"
I just stared. "Ok... Thanks..." But he was gone.
And he had left me with his tab. | 
