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Place: Thailand, Trang province, the emerald caves.
Time: February 2000.
Crime: Tourist Loses control of one of the most fundamental bodily functions.
Picture a relaxed boat ride with my girlfriend from a sleepy island resort, to a smaller island that is basically
a vegetated limestone outcrop jutting straight up from a tranquil sea. At the base of one of the limestone cliffs comprising the island, is an opening that extends below the water level, and about 5 feet above the water level at its outermost section.
We tourists, and our guide, swim bravely through the stygian (a tropical sort of stygian) opening, to view the wonders within. We
oooh and aaahh appreciatively at the lambent emerald qualities of the water when viewed from
within the cave, looking out. Truly spectacular. "look at that...it's green!". Thank you professor
Obvservy.
One particular tourist, that tourist being me, begins to oooh and aaaah for quite different
reasons. Something I've eaten/ingested/not digested, is complaining to me in the universal language
of pain. I'm beginning to feel like most of the extras from Aliens, and Ripley is nowhere to be seen.
"It's ok", I think to self. Self says "yep..there's a little lagoon, and a tree lined beach at the
end of this cave". I complete the thought "so...we get in there, casually explore the trees, run with intestinal desperation through the trees, and find something big to get behind..yeah self?". Self says "yep...it's our only fucking hope".
Both self, and I, were immensely and unrealistically optimistic as it turns out.
Picture the freakishly clear waters of the lagoon. Form an image in your by now rebelling mind, of an abjectly humiliated, grimacing tourist completely, utterly, and without hope of any sort of retention, losing bowel control shortly after making a break for the beach.
Tip: It is impossible to bury one's excretions in the sand when
In water...
and said nether regional matter has -
The consistency of gravy
I tried. I culled myself from the flock. With the aid of my valiant girlfriend, who ran a hopefully succesful interference play, I tried to appear innocent whilst my innards staged their
fecal revolt. Eventually, there was a calm in the storm, and I made my way with grim abandon to the safety
of the trees. I'm not sure if anybody noticed. I pray for their sake, but mostly mine, that they didn't.
However, upon exiting the trees (minus my undies, which will remain forever buried beneath a rock), I noticed a fellow tourist picking *something* from the front of their life-jacket, while they bobbed unknowing and carefree
in the lagoon of my undoing.
At no point was I acting with anything even approaching free will. That was the worst part, being an observer of an unalterable series of events. | 
