How to spot bad internet porn stories

To wit, there is a need for a set of easy-to-remember guidelines for use in eliminating text which will fail to titillate adequately before the user has become too involved.

Though I consider myself a novice in this arena, I do hold a degree in creative writing and hence a basic understanding of narrative structure, with which I will endeavor to provide a few good clues.

Here, then, are a few signs that the erotic tale you are perusing may not be up to snuff:

"glistening drop of pre-cum"

Other warning signs include:

• stories based on TV shows
• series stories
• author is at aol.com, msn.com, webtv.com, etc.
• stories based on non-porn movies
• you have to read the first paragraph more than once before it makes any sense at all
• you have to run it through a spellchecker before it makes any sense at all
• after the first page, you scream "Even Piers Anthony could write better porn than this*!"
• none of the characters have names
• Rape victims who turn out to like it (the "real man" syndrome)
• it's a "true story, honest!"
• magic items or breakthroughs in sexual technology (I can say "plot device," can't you?)
• Defying the laws of physics, anatomy, physiology, biology, or nearly any -ology besides theology.

Can you tell I have exacting standards for textporn?

* For reference, he has written better porn than most internet porn. See Bio of a Space Tyrant, Tarot, the later books in the Xanth series, Anthonolgy, any in the Mode series, any in the Incarnations of Imortality series... you get the idea.**

** One does have to wonder, though, if this is a comment on Piers Anthony or a comment on the quality of internet porn.***

*** It's a comment on both. They both suck.

1. No punctuation at all the story just rolls on the writer thinks he is James Joyce but clearly he is not
2. e.e. cummingitis, namely lack of uppercase letters
3. vast groups of sex-crazed nymphettes
4. vast groups of people with incredible sex drive, a lot of money, very successfull lifes
5. conveniently placed tropical islands: having no natives, no government and no presence in maps, they are uniquely fitted as sets for bad porn.
6. magic sex-change devices, like an enchanted ring, a magic bra ...
7. excessively focused obsessions. Obsession is good, but if a story starts like this:

   "Pens. Ooooh, pens. I really like pens, I thought, as Miss Penworth strutted in front of me, wearing a shirt in pen-blue, pencil trousers and carrying a box brimming with two hundred pens. Pens turn me on, I can't stop thinking about pens, pens, pens !"

   just dump it, even if you have a pen fetish.
8. Cute author names (read about it in my How to have sex with a dolphin rant).
9. If nothing exciting appears in the first four minutes of reading, you can safely assume that the author gave in to literature. He fancies himself Marcel Proust (or maybe James Joyce). He will spend hours and hours of your valuable time stumbling through the groundwork of characters. There is a possibility he will even eschew sex at all.
   Let us face it: if you got the file from HotInternetFreePorn.com, it means that you want the dildos, the buttplugs, the lesbian sex kittens and, generally speaking, the pr0n thing.
   So scratch the file, and go re-read The Man without Qualities.
10. Character description consists entirely of numbers: "John appeared in the doorway, his 10" cock gently waving in the morning breeze. He stretched his manful, 6 ft 4" body and said 'Duh'.".
11. Hard bodied youngsters doing hot and sweaty work in the backyard as the horny neighbor (male or female) watches them, subsequently inviting them over for a glass of iced tea, and finally rutting for hours of glorious, amazing sex.
12. Physical impossibilities, like a ponygirl wearing a buttplug and a gag for one week.

Of course theres the most blatant tipoff that your story has come fresh out of the overactive imagination of a 12 yearold with a hard cock who hasnt yet passed his english exams -- namely, grammar, or lack thereof:

"His hot stiff one slide into me and pleasure ahh yes I have much!!!"

You might think I'm just being stupid, but I recently read a story (someone forwarded it to me, its not like I go out on usenet looking for such crap!) and the grammar was just so appalling it took the whole story to the point of being an absolute joke!

Update:
Here it is, I found the one that inspired me to write this:

• By 10 AM she was already inside a teen clothes' store in a nearby mall, a place specialized in female teen garment, with lot's of sexy stuff.
• The straps were very thin and constantly rided down her shoulders, sometimes falling in her arms
• Since it was a large top her hooters were exposed when she bended or even arched her back a little more than usual
• The girl was also wearing the micro skirt she had just brougth
• I felt very sexy in my outfit and was crazy to test it's effect on men.

Unless of course, you have a bad grammar fetish... grin

Ohh, what a delicious title for a nodeshell!

Yes, there's nodes about how to spot bad internet porn stories, but picking it in the first paragraph should be a vital skill!. If it's truly bad pr0n, you don't want to be half way through the preamble before you discover that the quality of writing goes south at around about the same time as the characters do.

So here's some tip-offs that I came up with to alert you straight away:

• It begins with: "I never thought that this would happen to a guy like me, but..."
• It contains the sentence "I've never considered myself particularly attractive to women, but..."
• It describes someone as "5"4' with nice tits and a firm ass".
• It involves a stepsister conveniently around the same age as the narrator.
• It involves people called "Randy" or "Bambi".
• The first paragraph describes the narrator as "happily married" with a wife who he'd never thought would have lesbian tendencies.