How to drive an SUV

- When approaching dips or descents on the trail, take your foot of the accelerator and let your momentum take you down, controlled with the brakes. Also keep in lower gears for steeper descents.

- In snow and ice, the faster you go, the longer and the more distance you will need to stop your vehicle. This applies to all vehicles. Also recall your physics class! The greater the mass of the vehicle, the more force/better grip is needed to control your vehicle. Therefore, drive slowly. The four-wheel drive works better when it has surfaces to grip.

- Make your turns at a slower speed to prevent the vehicle from tipping over due to its higher centre of gravity. I've seen an SUV on its side in the city because of a hard turn! The worse thing that could happen is having your SUV powerslide and then suddenly grip the road, causing you to tip over and perform some undesirable circus acts.

- Respect your SUV. It is not a WRC (World Rally Car) and you are not out there to win medals. Treat your SUV with respect, and it will return the favour.

- Just before you hit the peak when you ascend a climb, let your foot off some of the gas to prevent overshooting to the descent.

- Approach obstacles at an angle to prevent your SUV from being lodged upon the object. The rules here is to keep at least three tires on the ground at all times!

-In deep snow, again, use your momentum, epecially when going uphill. I've seen some SUVs lose momentum uphill when they decide to slow down or stop completely in the middle of an ascent. Then they start to slide backwards.

Most of these tips should be executed at slow speeds no greater than 50km/h. 15 to 30km/h is ideal.

Reader Disclaimer applies here.

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How To Drive an SUV

(like a Miamian)

The first thing to remember about driving your SUV is that it makes you invincible and thus immune to damage from any accidents as a result of your actions while driving. So relax, everything will be fine!

When you get in your SUV, don't bother with fastening your seatbelt or making sure all your passengers are seated (and not jumping up and down in the back)! Remember, you're all invincible within your vehicle's zone of magical protection!

Your SUV is not just a vehicle, it is your own large personal space on the road. You should feel free to use it like any part of your home. Sit back, talk on the phone, listen to the radio, or even watch television. Remember, it doesn't matter how you drive; you have four tons of steel protecting you!

Sometimes, inconsiderate people will try to CROSS YOUR PATH while driving! This can, fortunately, be interrupted at nearly no risk to yourself. You should always position yourself in the path of someone who inconsiderately attempts to change lanes, turn, speed up, or slow down! This will eventually convince all of the inconsiderate drivers out there on the road of how they are supposed to drive.

Parking can be difficult sometimes. Fortunately, you can obtain great spaces in many parking lots merely by starting at the exit of the building, and following the driver out down the aisles of the parking lot. Be sure to follow as closely as possible, to indicate to other drivers looking for spaces that their space is yours! This may take a while, but you may still spend quality time talking to your friends and family on your cellular phone!

Here's a fun fact: A large percentage of terrorists walk down the sidewalk! Thusly, this activity should be discouraged on sidewalks and intersections whenever possible. The same goes for bicyclists - remember, a bicycle can be used as a deadly weapon! These people should be excluded from crossing streets whenever possible. Move quickly into their path, cut them off when turning; do whatever is needed to block their passage.

Remember, when driving an SUV, you are helping to keep the American dream alive!

This message paid for (with just enough loose change for four games of pinball) by the Coalition to Reintroduce Roadway Sanity.