Help me tell you a story about things and yourself, without pants

This is an open request to that hideous filth spouting hydra known as the everything 2 community. I know what you are thinking, and *no* I am not Hercules, but I do play him in the bathtub for religious purposes.

Earlier (possibly now) I had toyed with the idea of creating a series of short stories, for the purposes of entertainment, extreme new age enlightenment, and to raise money for research into how we might negate the puzzling mirth inducing qualities of the word monkey through improved Hello Kitty products (I think diet is the key though).

I immediately discounted this idea with extreme prejudice, as *my* limiting factor of production is inspiration, followed closely by motivation, with the loss of time spent shaving my hirsute ass a distant third. I decided instead (quite unanimously) that I would make a feeble attempt at interactivity, and ask you dear valued reader, to kick-start my creative drive.

Upon /msg'ing me with an unsuitable first sentence, you will instantly (instantly in the sense of 'some time later, if at all'), receive a short story featuring not only your first sentence recorded for all posterity, but also your name, and a personal feature derived through the use of 'ouija.pm' (soon to be available at CPAN), probably in some extremely compromising situation involving gratuitous scientology references (who even knew it was legal to do *that* with an E-meter) and very bad poetry. I will try to adhere faithfully to several recognisable genres simultaneously, for ease of comprehension. There may also be stabbing, but as television and retarded people have informed us, it's all good. In an obvious break with established pr0n tradition, I will take only one at a time.

In a dazzling display of sheer artistic stupidity, the stories will be massively multiplayer in the sense that they will share as a set more than the use of the word 'and' alone, and may even relate to each other on some quasi-meaningful level if read on an every third word basis. They will not (usually) be massively multiplayer in the sense of being stabbed to death in the wilderness by PK'ers while waiting for a fuzzy bunny respawn.

So, if you really can't spare the time to personally contribute to the existing meritorious story projects:
The Nodeshell World Fiction Project
unfinished stories
...you might consider bringing some of me into your life. I come in several flavours, and am easily cleaned, with no need for time consuming de-linting, and reputedly can be used as a painless hair removal product. Anyone with the necessary critical mass of strange required to find this a desirable thing, will see a link to their story below. Hopefully prior to ragnarok, or the heat death of our universe.