When I was a little
kid, hard questions that my mom couldn't satisfy and my dad was too busy to were 'Pop-pop questions'. They were almost always
science related, generally to do with
weather or
geography or
biology. I'd call him up. He lived with my
grandmother, who I wasn't as close to but loved just the same. He always, always knew the answer. Always. His was the first phone number I ever memorized; I called him alot alot alot so it makes sense.
My Poppop is a
surrogate parent. I've written about him in more essays than I can count. I have a dad, but he's more like a
father to me than anything else. He was always busy, for one, but I can't fault the man. He spent a good deal of time with me...but he never had that openness that Poppop has. When Dad was on call and had to run to the hospital to operate, Poppop was there to answer what the stages of a
butterfly were. Or why moss always grows on the north side of trees. Or how to tell
compass directions in 15,645 different ways. Or what
starfire was made of.
When I was in sixth grade or so, my grandfather bought me a tent for my birthday. We went and
camped outside my house, in the backyard, with my little brother.
We talked of stars and constellations and beauty and joy. My dad never camped outside with me. I don't think he understood why I'd want to. Even worse, I think he once used to know why, a long time ago, and lost it to the soul-wrecking power of work and time and adulthood and hey, the
real-world, where you gotta watch your own back, screw everyone else!
My greatest fear is following in his footsteps.
Now, Dad has grown sullen and withdrawn; the victim of bad luck and a terribly ugly, five-year-long saga of a betrayed business partnership. I wonder if he has
PTSD. I don't want him to. He doesn't talk much anymore.
Drinks far too much. Sometimes I can see that glimmer of joy that I knew he used to have....but that's just it. Glimmers.
My grandfather has slowed down in his old age. He repeats things; forgets, tells the same stories over and over again. I have a dark, dark suspicion that he has
Alzheimer's. I don't want to think about that possibility. I don't call him enough, don't return his calls all the time. Too ack school busy busy busy gotta throw trivial things like
relationships and
family out the window for IMPORTANT things like getting an A instead of an A- on that
chemistry quiz. Or getting a top score in
Radiant Silvergun. Priorities, of course.
I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I was answering my Poppop's questions for him now, and not the other way around.