Fowl play

In the spring of 2010, the Chicken Fuckers held their first rally to protest their demands in Washington, DC. This group, which had seemingly sprung up out of nowhere in just a few short years, was now a political force which was going to have to be reckoned with.

President Rodham was torn politically. On one hand, her Secretary of Diversity (a post created by her Administration soon after taking office in 2008) had come out (soon after being sworn in) as a lifelong Chicken Fucker, himself. However; just because Secretary Lieberman had revealed this bit of controversial information about himself, this did not make the issue any less volatile in the eyes of the average American voter.

Yet and still, just the term itself was jarring to the American public. Several euphemisms had been employed in the early 21st Century for this behavior. First, they were known as Livestockers. This term was soon found offensive by the other, less vocal Americans who found their pleasure with sheep, cows, goats, etc. They proclaimed that having relations with a furred animal was a long way, indeed, from fornication with a fowl. So the Chicken Fuckers began to call themselves Featherites. They even attempted to start a religion based on the screwing of chickens and tried to get tax-exempt status for the Featherite Movement. This attempt failed miserably when the courts got involved, even though aged Chief Justice Reno lobbied hard for Chapter 403(B) Status. That is when the linguistic movement in the nation's highest learning institutions became embroiled over the whole issue of the appellation for those who engaged in this practice. The euphemisms were called by Harvard and Princeton PhDs,

"Slaveholder neo-European Caucasian attempts to vilify normalcy in sexuality vis a vis pedantic huggermuggery."

And,

"Corporate clandestinity designed to reduce felicitous taxonomy to gutter patois."

It was hard to remember exactly how this group became so visible. The esteemed historian, Doris Kearns Goodwin maintained on C-Span that the first incident of a Chicken Fucker on national TV was June 14, 2007, when Ricki Lake thought she had booked a group of "Kentucky men impregnated by BigFoot" on her afternoon show. As two of the overweight hillbillies were involved in fisticuffs over the idea of just exactly from what orifice the unfortunate offspring would be arriving, the camera panned left and discovered a scrawny gentleman with his overalls around his ankles, having his way with a Rhode Island Red. As the camera zoomed in to reveal the popping eyes of both the hen and the hayseed, the crowd began to chant, "(bleep) that chicken! (bleep) that chicken!" The ratings were the highest ever for a daytime talk show, so it was just a matter of weeks until you could barely turn the dial without witnessing the buggery of your latest sandwich material on one channel or another.

The single incident which garnered the most airtime occurred on the Berkeley campus around noon in the fall of 2008, where a Performance Artist and his partner performed the now-famous Ozzy O. Double Breaster (as they called it). The more submissive partner was having "normal" relations with the large white fowl as his Master (his words, not mine), wearing nothing but a studded dog collar and flip flops, leaned over and bit the head off of the chicken. He stood up immediately and spat the chicken head into his partner's mouth as he forced his tumescent member into the bloody chicken's neck hole. They then proceeded to hump the bird in perfect timing, from both ends, as the little yellow feet looked as if they were running in mid-air. All of this, by the way, was funded fully and with full prior written consent by the current head of the NEA under President Rodham, Rev. Dr. Ron Jeremy.

This was the last straw for many right-wing radio talk show hosts and various Christian groups around the country. A massive outcry ensued and most Americans thought this would be the end of this particular chapter in minority movements. Little did they know that a small avian birnavirus was, right at that moment, mutating into a form which could affect humans as well as chickens. The first case of a human coming down with Gumboro Disease was documented in Iowa in January of 2009. A young farmboy named Tad Moore lay on his deathbed before the doctors correctly diagnosed his malady, six weeks after young Tad had begun to complain that he "wadn't jest right." Before passing, young Moore did reveal to his parents as well as his medical team that he had "experimented" with the flock, but swore that he believed in Jesus and girls, too.

Soon, men all across America were being admitted to the hospitals with this terrible affliction. The conservative hue and cry died down, and you couldn't turn on TV without some sort of Pledge Drive for the support for the cure of the Chicken Fucker Disease, or V.A.I.N. (for "viral avian invasive neurovirus"). It was almost heresy for any celebrity or news anchor to appear without the new V.A.I.N. awareness ribbon: A white ribbon with little black specks on it.

So that's where the nation stands in relation to the Chicken Fuckers as of this date. Where we go from here would be hard to say. However: Most political pundits think that it won't be long before we have a Chicken Fucker as President of the United States, and the Europeans (even the French) are not quite sure what to think about that idea. One thing can be sure:

This whole spectacle is bound to add to the list of reasons why they hate us.