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JeffMagnus node count: 4095 (0 new since February 4, 2001) JeffMagnus experience: 11869 (2 more since February 4, 2001) JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.898 XP per node JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.503% (Via alternate method: 0.908%)* JeffMagnus node of the day: Windows Error Lookup Guide
Note: The Everything Snapshot daylog will return as soon as I work out one that is more pleasant for members of the Everything Whino sect.
i'm listening to these songs i can never play, thinking of dreams that will never happen. and i'm sick with self pity and hate, hate at what i am, a coward. i have no voice yet i must scream.
i can't say what will happen. the one thing i can say is this.. i'm scared shitless.. it's easy for you to stand there and say that i'm whining. tell me this, master, how can someone see the light when they've been in shadows forever? we are all worthless.
I know I should get next to you You've got a look that makes me think you're cool But it's just sexual attraction Not something real so I'd rather keep wackin'
Why bother? It's gonna hurt me It's gonna kill when you desert me This happened to me twice before It won't happen to me anymore
I've known a lot of girls before What's the harm in knowing one more? Maybe we could even get together Maybe you could break my heart next summer
It's a crying shame I'm all alone Not with you, nor her, nor anyone Won't you knock me on my head Crack it open let me out of here
-Weezer
Ever feel like you have put your life on pause? Here I am .. 19 years old. First year college student, commuting from home. And, I feel like I am the same person I was as a high school junior, .. if not a worse person. At least I had direction then.
Of course, it is in my personality to easily become overwhelmed by internal thoughts, to have them bounce around and around chaotically like a tennis ball in a racquetball court.. so it is best (for my sake) that I specify what is bothering me, exactly, rather than talking in vague terms.
It boils down to two things: Human contact, and purpose. In a way, this is all that life boils down to, and I feel that I don't have either one down.
Human contact: I am a very selfish person. I am not able to forgive my parents. They betrayed me when I was younger and I still have not forgiven them. This is because I feel that they are still betraying me by being so dysfunctional and showing me a bad model of interpersonal relationships. I am unsure of the extent of this current, extended betrayal is real and of the extent that is merely perceptual.
Because of this betrayal, I have shut my parents out of my life. Almost every word I mutter to either one of them is a perfunctory act with little care. Every sound I hear from either my mother or father go across the paper-thin walls of this 1-bedroom apartment into my room upsets me. At graduation, my mother said something to the effect of: "I didn't help him in anyway. He did this all on his own."
I have recently come to realize, that this behavior is perhaps nonsensical and unwarranted upon my part. But, my reason cannot win over my emotions. I have no control, right now. I think it comes down to that I still resent, and even fear (to an extent) my parents.
I would like to move out of the house to rectify this situation.. However, if I do I will have to become 100% financially independent as well. (I already have a full scholarship..) Because of studies, I believe I can only do 20 hours of work without affecting my GPA. I haven't looked very actively to find a job with a wage that I can afford to live on with such a short timetable.. Perhaps I need to swallow my pride and take out a student loan next semester.
Friends. I do not feel very connected to my friends.. Ira. When I lost my interest in video games we lost our common ground. Brandon.. We have common ground but are not close friends. The debate crew.. No common ground.. not close.
Friends (and sometimes more) of the opposite sex. Tara.. We both deluded ourselves into thinking we were in "love", when this facade came apart I felt deeply hurt and betrayed. Meredith and Lindsay.. I was too scared to pursue either of these because of my previous, even though there was mutual interest. Katie. I am unsure of our relationship. At a time we were very interested in each other.. but now, because of outside constraints we see each other rarely (Once or twice a month...)
Katie is a very independent person. I wish, that, I could discuss this in detail with her, and that she could help me. But, I can't bring myself to do this.. She would think I'm a total nut. Plus, we aren't close enough where we could talk about these kinds of things. However, I have called her twice, as a sobbing mess .. I remember some of the things she said to me:
"Calm down. You're going to die of a heart attack before you're 20, and you're 19 now."
"You analyze everything. Everything you say has a quantifier, a clause, everything. You need to be like me and not think."
Thank you, Katie, for saying these things to me.
I think that one of my problems is that I look for Katie to be my life rather than someone to share it with. Although I have learned not to let this be known, ( I do not act obsessively, except for in my mind. None of this borderline stalker behavior. ) it still doesn't stop me from thinking it, and she probably still knows. (That, or she thinks I don't like her because I go at such lengths to not smother her.)
I perceive that she does not share the same enthusiasm for me that I share for her. It makes sense: After all, she is an independent person. While her life may not be all together (I don't know either way), it appears to be, and she isn't leaning on me. I, however, am looking to lean on her, but I am not.. ( Am I making sense? ) "Someone" bless her heart, ( When we talk to each other, we use the term "Someone" instead of God, because she is atheist and I am agnostic. ) for putting up with me when I come to her. I am such a baby.
Purpose: By purpose, I mean, what I am to do in life. What I do to make a living. What I do for enjoyment. I don't know how to enjoy myself. I have been interested in two things for a long time, ever since I can remember: technology, and music.
Technology: I now view computers as a means to accomplish a purpose rather than a purpose in themselves. The problem is: What can I use a technology for? This technology for the sake of technology bullshit bugs the hell out of me. And I have no idea what I want to use technology for.
And I am STILL a CS major. I'm good at it, and I got into it because of interest, but, damnit. The sad thing is, I cannot think of a better major for myself. Maybe math. I have always loved math. But what am I going to accomplish with a math degree? Maybe EE. But I don't really know anything about that ..
Avid computer users (at least the ones at my school) bug the hell out of me. Another reason to dislike the computer angle. Talking to some of them is like talking to slashdot, incarnated as a person. I am tired of the fucking Monty Python, Star Wars, and HHGTTG quotes. You know what? I realize that there is no reason I should hate these things. But I do.
I hate the way some of them spout off ideas without any real justification. I hate listening to someone rant about how evil Microsoft or AOL is when they can't give reasons why.
"Visual basic is a piece of crap language." "Can you tell me why it's bad?" "It doesn't support as many things as C++." "I know someone programs professionally in VB. His company just rolled out a full scale database written entirely in VB, and he gets paid good money to use it." "Well, just because it can be used to write professional applications doesn't mean it's not a bad language." "Can you tell me why it's bad?" "Well, it tries to be object oriented but it's really not."
Um, thanks for the great reasons. I love how enumerated they are.
Well, I take back what I said a bit ago.. I have thought of one end I could use computers as a means for. Graphic design. The only problem is, I am not good at it. I have tried to learn about it. I have tried to mess with it. But I never do well. My school has a very small arts department and there are no design specific courses.
I don't know how to enjoy myself.. Blah. I really have written enough for one night. My arm hurts. And everytime I write something it comes out the same as before.
Anyhow, here comes the end of the weekend, how quickly they go by... I spend the some of the time trying to set some goals. Lose weight, organize my studio, read some good books, cook some great food, wait, there is some compatibility problem here....
But seriously, I got this book called "Wishcraft" that is supposed to help you define your goals. I had a real problem with the exercises in the book, because they are hard to think about. You start with "Who am I" and work up to "What are my goals". And this goal thing is starting to scare me. I mean, what if I find out I am meant for bigger and better things? What if my money-grubbing-pursuit of my job is not what I'm "supposed to be doing"?
On the other hand, the daily grind could provide me funding to pursue something grander later.
Then again, maybe I'll get hit by a Mack truck tomorrow.
Hey! The Fugitive is back on!!! Gotta go.....
It's pumping into my ears it's throbbing in my head, telling me I'm halfway between being born and being dead.
It pulls at what it can, it pulls forward. Can you hear it by looking in my eyes saying "no way but downward" Can't all be true
Create their own atmosphere they're in me now, always near.
The flute can't be found it's time to compromise... reap what I sew this is all no surprise
Won't the lifelong audition please conclude? For once let me be booed. But not pulled off the stage, I'll always be wishing
Fatigue a swell, lies another tale to tell
It's my own lock, my own combination my own fee, my own exploitation
This intoxicating rhythm in my mind it ends I'm robbed blind
Gone now downward I go, if there is only one stage this had better not be the last show.
THIS IS TODAY.
I get in, after payin' 4 bucks and rejectin' the beer cup, immediately notice there's a lot of people, and I head into what may or may not be the living room, where I met up with kat and, later, joel, along with the fellows I came with. After standing upstairs, listening to people talk about drugs, specifically mushrooms, I decided to head down w/ TJ, punk-rock-Sean, Nick, Merritt, Smarmy Shawn, and some guys I didn't know. I find a place to sit on a couch and proceed to sit there, watching my roommate, TJ et al do stupid things. Punk-rock-sean was dressed like a member of Judas Priest, and after listening to some Manowar, was wanting to be totally metal, regardless.
I should point out now that P.R. Sean got the clothes from my roommate, Merritt.
I sit there for a while, then, suddenly, about, oh, everyone but 2 of the people I came with decided to leave to go see The Living Canvas thing (AKA Artsy Nekkid People, which was really cool, as I had seen it the night before). So, I'm there, all the way by BroMann hospital, wondering if they've hijacked TJ and Nick (Nick being one with a car). So, I spent the rest of the night sitting on the couch really really really hoping someone was there that would drive me home, all the while really wondering what this girl-with-a-tequila-shirt-on's name was. The GWATSO offered to kiss me when I made some what I thought was below the level of hearing comment about a toll, but I'm pretty sure she was drunk and mistook my beard for a well-tanned and highly defined jawline.
After TJ finally comes downstairs to fetch me as they're about to leave, I run into the GWATSO, who proceeds to grope me and then I leave and get into the car w/ TJ and Nick, and discuss the rather vile, angry vibe that the place had, following a-girl-who-I-should-really-know-her-name-but-don't all over creation, dropping off some-two, and then heading off towards the other side of Bloomington, ending up at someone-who-I-don't-know's house, and then I proceed to sit in a corner, listening to two kids, what I assume to be 20 year olds in Tommy Hilfinger gear, talking like gray haired forty-year olds wearing plaid on a golf course. Corporate Ravers. After listening to the Corpo-Ravers talk about Phat Pants and indications of rebelliousness and, therefore, a possible peer-to-peer marketing technique, and how Phat Pants (and they spoke like it was copywritten) were no longer indicative of true "Raveness" (I shit you not), and how the new label was 611, which means that they really want to be twice as cool as 311, but they can't do math very well (not to mention the fact that 311 sucks).
I then walked up to TJ, who was sitting in another corner in a lay-z-boy-esque seat talking to the above AGWISRKHRNBD girl, then, magically, a loveseat opened up, and she sat there, and TJ and Nick sat there, and I finally had seat to myself, and I watched the TV w/ some group (whoever did the theme to Trainspotting {the DVD was Underworld:Live, I have found out since then}) throwing this insanely huge gig, looking like the old pictures of Woodstock with the half a million people, and I got to watch people doing Air-Turntables, which looks kind of like Air-Guitar except less bad-ass and less aware of the self-parody aspect.
Then, we left, and I went home, and that was really the end of the evening, of which I found myself strangely upset, not only that I was abandoned not just once, but in all actuality twice, being taken to this house where I knew 2 people, the ones I had come with, and only one of them at all on the wellness scale, my anchors ripped up by these people I had never met, and, in all honesty, don't really care if I ever do, and torn away, and basically left knowing no-one, sitting in a corner, listening to stupid people talk about even stupider things. This whole last bit is my fault, I should have introduced myself, but I fully blame the first one on others, however, I thought of walking home (which was approx. from where the Lafayette Club all the way to my house, which is on the other side of the ISU campus), and decided, should I freeze to death, it wouldn't be that bad, really, compared to continued presence in the house with teenage-ravers drinking and pot-smoking and fuck knows what else running upstairs, into the bathroom for time-intervals far less than even the fastest piss in the West, all the while missing my girlfriend with ever increasing intensity, probably due to the above GWATSO and a really nasty case of curiosity.
Later, while talking to Smarmy Shawn (who was among those who had left me the first time), he said that he had tried to talk to people, but was simply ignored, and when he tried to talk to someone who didn't ignore him, another man made it perfectly clear by repeated elbows to his back that, "You're not supposed to talk to her, she's mine," as in ownership.
I've decided, basically, that though I like some electronic music a lot, that it's just not worth it 90% of the time to deal with such assholes to listen to shitty House that, while I support, don't really care for. Sorry. I hope you know what I mean.
But, all and all, it sucked, and I'm not sure who the blame lies with on this one.
I did learn something, though, I learned that the average woman deals with 3.5 ass grab/hour at a party, and I learned the very definition of a perky buttocks, thanks to a girl wearing really tight polka-dot spandex that were so tight if she were to bend over I'm almost positive I could see the creases of her anal sphincter.
My wagging chin stops in its tracks - I smile and, unclear if my hairy and glowering-eyed accoster is verbal at all, engage the universal Groucho Marx eyebrow-waggle to indicate reception of his mimed message.
A toque-clad yuppie-in-training comes up to the bus stop, wary of the bum and button-clad Bohemian already there. My Muppety, animalistic companion turns to him and grunts again, points to my book, points to his forehead, mimes the flexing of bulging biceps. Mr. Toque looks at me for elaboration. I smile and look away - our bus is coming.
in our last episode... | p_i-logs | and then, all of a sudden...
Later, a bunch friends we went to a Tex-Mex restaurant in Chichester, where my mate (let's call him C) bought a straw 'cowboy' hat. Very odd thing to have on the menu. Very odd thing to later wear to the pub. He got lots of attention - at least half a dozen people asked him if he could have his hat. One even promised to post it back to him. An outlandish hat seems like a cunning ploy to get noticed. Remember it, single people.
Oh well. Nearly lunch time.
On E2, I inspected Node Heaven, to find that a blatently GTKY writeup had been killed. I transferred the information (about my dress code at work) to my homenode. Now, I shall look for more GTKY nodes which I have accidently fallen into. Easily done I suppose. Oh, and I'm slowly approaching level 5.
I have been slightly depressed again recently. Last night I found couple of bottles of cider so that really didn't matter that much...
I started to make some work of the game engine I call "Petal Fear" - clone of (original) Metal Gear's engine... Meanwhile, I eradictated the remnants of PHP from YiffCam hack (it now uses SSI and mod_perl only).
Argo/UML rocks, BTW. (I'm surprised that it's a Java program at it runs at adequeate speed. This machine has a 600 MHz processor and 128 megs of memory, but still, that speed sounded fairly ridiculous...)
Time to face the challenges of the day.
nighthowl:~$ uname -a Linux nighthowl 2.4.1 #1 ma helmi 5 15:49:15 EET 2001 i686 unknown
Now with framebuffer! And ReiserFS, which I'm not yet using...
The "lsusb" command, which I just discovered, doesn't work. Strange.
Ran Around Upvoting Like Hell.
The list of the writeups that will be shot when the Revolution comes grew a bit.
Now all I need is a "Guide On How To Convert Your Precious, Precious ext2 Partition To ReiserFS Without Mucking Around With Boot Floppies And Nuke Command Sequences" =)
Other day logs o' mine...
Noded today by y.t.: Argo/UML DOC++ reiserfs Cayley-Purser Algorithm
Updated: documentation
Yesterday's belated news: Sprite inefficient hello world programs
MIDDLE OF NOWHERE: Went to a party (ex-blind date's housewarming) on the other side of town. Had some serious trouble getting back home - the trip took three hours due to our (me + John) stunning ability to misinterpret bus schedules while drunk.
SOTD: Beth Orton - Blood Red River
Nothing great to look at, just the building opposite but they have a nice kitchen. I hear people coming to my front door! Oh, they are stopping at the meter cupboard to put in their tokens. I hear them leave.
Friday night I was so tired, I went to bed at 12. M. made a booty call at 1 and woke me up. It was so cute and funny, I wish I had been awake enough to giggle about it - I'm sure it's the first one he's ever made in his whole life. I said, 'no, I'm sleep' and he was so apologetic about it - it was really, really funny.
Saturday I did write in my journal, but my pc kept crashing so I couldn't get it on E2 in time. So here it is - the whole weekend I spent more time letting my thoughts and feelings gel together about my recent breakup with M. So many conflicting feelings, ambivalence about him. He asked yesterday at the coffee shop where I made love to a hazelnut brew if we could date just once a week & he would pick the activity. It was obvious that he was trying to prove that he could be fun to be with and try new things, etc., etc. I said no. I want him; I miss him, but I need to be apart from him right now.
It becomes more and more obvious to me all the time that I love this guy more and more - that my love is so deep and abiding I just will always, always love him. I just can't be with some one who doesn't consistently take care of himself - physically, mentally, and spiritually. Which I think he's done a shitty job of for years and certainly not this past year that we've dated. I want to scream and shout, "Change first, damn you! THEN call me up and ask me out! Show me that you've changed! Don't ask me to help you change! I can't do it with you! Get a life first!" and so on. Of course, I'm not saying any of this so directly or in a mean way. I am just here now.
