This is what I need, I think. Something to stem the incessant character stream which has found its way into my head.
A few weeks ago, I had it. I swear I did. I'm not sure when it started, I only noticed it after it had arrived. For two days, I was - silent. Never in my life have I felt so calm, so soft, so fluid. Aikdo that Monday was perfect, dead on. I took ukemi like a pro, dropping, turning, landing like a feather. Every movement effortless, thoughtless, and it felt Soooo good. Oh, if you only knew. Centered. Moving without thinking. Thinking without thinking. In lab on Tuesday - the circuits fell together all on their own. I just moved the mouse for them, bringing them to the light. So easy, so simple. And nothing bothered me. Nothing phased me. Everything was just fine the way it was, and I wish I knew how I got there. I will not call this zen. I will not call it mushin. I will not call it thousands of things that you might want me to call it, because I cannot give it a name, and keep it what it was.
But as soon as I started to think about it, it started to fade. Now, these two weeks later, it has gone and then some. I cannot seem to stop myself from carrying on this incessant and foolish monologue. There is always some useless idea that my mind must incessantly examine, that I cannot help but hold to the light and turn over again and again and again and again... and when I finally coerce this brain of mine to put the damn thing down, it steps right along to pick up the next thing off the side of the road. My mood has shifted as well. I snap at my roommates, am exasperated with my girlfriend when she calls to tell me how much she misses me. Things which have not bothered me for years irritate me to no end, and even while recognizing this, I cannot seem to find my way out of it. I wish so much that I had a flush lever for my head, a reset button, an emergency brain dump before too much of this builds up and my head explodes in a dull thud of heavy mud and dust. This is how my brain feels. Thick and clogged with some primitive sludge. In some neuroscience experiments, they use magnetic coils that can briefly disrupt neural activity just under the skull. Sometimes I think I could use an array of these, and fit myself with a helmet of them, zapping myself back to some sort of decent starting point. But mostly I think that the brain dump wouldn't work. Things are flowing through too quickly, and it would just fill up again as soon as it was emptied. I need to find a quiet place, a way to move silently through my days, listening instead of speaking. |
