My hair was down; I had spent too much time on it, I felt, it looked "done." I didn't want him to know I had gone out of my way. We were both too nervous to have much fun, just there to carry out our duties until we could get away from each other and relax and think about how wonderful it had been.
As he was leaving, the vicar showed up. I didn't want him to know this had been a date, so I made a big deal of inviting him in for cake, which I talked too much and too loudly about. This cake is divine. Just one bite - you will be amazed. And it was good cake, and the vicar was someone harmless to talk to, and suddenly we were all full of talk and laughter there in the kitchen. When he left, we kept what he had given us, and talked and talked and suddenly it was so late I really had to go home. I waited outside for him in the garden, sitting on the low brick wall, wondering why he wasn't in love with me, suddenly my mirth was gone and I started to cry but stopped before he came outside. It was dark; he couldn't tell. He sat beside me and sang a silly little made-up song about destiny, and I could see he meant at least part of it. I was baffled, but then he kissed me, and I wasn't.
when the backstreet boys were playing
and then he said that he really kind of liked me again and the feeling of his hand in mine and his body against mine was very clear and achingly familiar
and when we laid there with each other (when a different song was playing) I thought maybe we'd have a chance to reconcile and I'd tell him things again if we were safe and we only gave it a little time
then I woke up
I was in some weird room like a Quake level. I could jump really high, but could never make it to the catwalk above me.
I was arguing angrily with my sister. She was berating me about not turning in my application for graduation. I couldn't convince her that it isn't due for another four months.
My friends and i tramped through old forests for a couple hours until we came upon a large house on the side of a lake. the house was old, almost victorian. it was a couple stories tall and still furnished but the occupants were nowhere to be found.
we entered the house and made ourselves at home. this seemed completely natural - dreams are funny like that. in some rooms of the house there were little buttons that, when pressed, would make the wall open up to reveal secret rooms - vaguely quake-like. sometimes these secret rooms would have Horrible Demons or ghosts in them, who would promptly kill whoever had opened the door to the room. Anyone who got killed just reappeared back at the front door to the house. again, very videogame-y.
So as we explored the house, we gradually came to realize there were 3 ghosts in the house. one was an older woman, who, when we saw her, was invariably trying to kill us or summoning the horrible demons to kill us. the second was a pretty girl around my age (early 20's), who would appear briefly and lead us to various places in the house where we would find interesting things - pictures of the 3 people when they were alive, diaries, notes, and so on. the third was an older man who didn't do much of anything, but occasionally we caught glimpses of him. he looked extraordinarily sad.
as we further explored the house, with help from the girl ghost, we learned that the 3 ghosts were originally a family who had lived in the house. the climactic moment of the dream came when, in a study upstairs, i found a kitchen knife hidden behind a bookcase. it had dried blood and dust all over it. somehow, a sudden insight told me what all the things the girl ghost had been leading us to had meant - that the mother had gone mad killed the rest of her family and then herself - as i thought this, i heard the girl ghost whisper "yes..."
apparently the family was doomed to haunt the house until the truth about what had happened to the family was made public. the mother didn't want this known, and so she killed everyone who came in the house. all the girl and the father wanted was to be freed and to rest. the father had long since given up hope.
i walked into a sunroom on the west side of the house, and the girl ghost was there... she looked different.. she was almost flirtacious. she led me whimsically from place to place in the room... after a few minutes chasing her, i heard a strange noise.. i realized that it wasn't the girl at all, but her mother. she had somehow changed her form.. a great mass of laundry flowed/wriggled into the room like a nest of snakes. i was engulfed, strangled, struggling to break free.. insane laughter filled the room.. all went dark..
..and that's when i woke up.
I was meeting my old college friend Bubba, after many years. Bubba was once in love with me, badly, and I didn't return his feelings. I've always thought about Bubba fondly though, and a little sadly, as his was one of several friendships I lost when the guy fell in love with me.
I showed up at Bubba's house, which is a big sprawling semi-ramshackle country place. Bubba and some friends are out four-wheeling, so I decide to take a bath and get beautiful. I am afraid to see Bubba, because I feel like I'm not pretty anymore. In the dream I've gained a huge amount of weight and I can't fit into any of my clothes. I look in the mirror in the bathroom and I look awful. I go out and see Bubba, and he's immediately in love with me still and we start making out and decide to have sex. I go back in the bathroom for something, and it's something shameful, something dirty. I can't get myself clean enough to go back out and have sex with Bubba.
My amateurish dream interpretation: Bubba represents the me in college, fun loving, very pretty, carefree, lighter. Bubba was one of the most pure-hearted people I've ever met, kind of simple, but hugely kind and giving. In many ways, I was more pure in those days..idealistic and trusting and not as clogged up with stresses and finanacial worries. Obviously part of me wants to get back to that state, to "clean up" myself, hence the bath and feeling like I'm not pretty or attractive anymore. Making out with Bubba, I realize that I'm still the same person, but maybe there's some stuff I need to get rid of, maybe I'm ashamed of some of the attributes I've picked up. It's a common theme of mine....I do not fit in well with conservative, suburban mom life. I don't agree with many of the prevailing values that I see among my peers, yet I pretend, and playact to fit in and be the perfect mom. It doesn't feel right, and it isn't right. My subconscious is trying to tell me that.
printable version chaos
Everything2 Help
