Drawbacks of the use of elephants as assault weapons

(idea) by Eye In The Pyramid (3.3 mon) (print) ? (I like it!) 5 C!s Tue May 16 2000 at 19:41:11

Drawbacks of the use of elephants as assault weapons.

1. Size
------------
Elephants are very big. They are also very heavy. While this combination of qualities is very efficient when applied to enemy forces, the average Joe Elephant is also very easily panicked. You do not want a panicking elephant in your front ranks to pull a 180° on you and steamroll over your own precious troops instead of over the enemy. Trust me on this one.

2. Historical precedent
---------------------------------
Hannibal's megalomanic elephant fixation didn't really help him when he was freezing his nuts off in the Alps. Sure, it sounded like a cool idea at the time, but as Hannibal shamefully had to admit later: "On second thought, the elephant doesn't seem to be a migratory animal after all."

If you still have doubts about elephants not being migratory, go to your local zoo. Go to the elephants place. Now, choose yourself an elephant and look it squarely in the eye. Do you notice that look? It's pining. It's pining for the Jungle. It's a home-sick elephant!

3. Endangered species
---------------------------------
While elephants were once abundant, with Elephas maximus happily roaming the Asian plains and Loxodonta africana with Africa it's playground, now unfortunately only a few elephants remain. Bad men came and killed them for their ivory. POW! Bullet through the head. Saw off those tusks! Another wad o' cash to throw on the pile. Leave the corpse for the vultures. Now hurry up 'cause while we're here I'd still like to shoot me some tiger. I heard their balls are a powerful aphrodisiac, and I'd like to bring back a souvenir for the Missuz'.
GGGGRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGggggggghhh WILL HUMANITY EVER GROW UP????

...Sorry... I got a little carried away there...
Let's get on with the drawbacks.

4. Good memory + bad temper
-------------------------------------------
Elephants are known for their extremely good memory. They never forget a face. If you order them into battle and they get shot at, hacked upon and poked into, they are bound to be a little cross and bad tempered the next time you cross their path. Don't think they won't recognize you, because they will! Don't be tempted to think 'I won't ever see those cannon-fodder elephants again, anyway.' because one day you'll be walking down a dark alley on a rainy night, all alone, and you won't even know that the sudden strange, kinda' grey&heavy, dropping sound coming from somewhere right above you was, in fact, an old friend dropping by!

printable version
chaos

Simpsons racism?	The Fifth Elephant	my midterm raped me	Videogame clichés
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life even if you had an electrified fooling machine!	El Chupacabra	Manual of Puissant Skill at Arms	Hannibal
Homing Fish	pining	One Day In the Life of Ivan Denisovich	Two condoms, she makes me wear
Elephant	Dreadnought	War elephant	aphrodisiac
panic	size	Oliphaunt	bisexual
historical	NetHack	Pining for a Parasite	Acronym

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