December 21, 2012

Apparently the Mayans were skilled astronomers, able to precisely measure the precession of the equinoxes. They were able to predict the exact date of a winter solstice more than 2000 years ahead of time. This solstice is a particularly special one because on that day the ecliptic of the solar system intersects the galactic center and the sun simultaneously, which happens exactly once every 26,000 years.

Coincidently, the same date was independently calculated by Terence McKenna using the fractal calendar embedded in the I Ching, the ancient Chinese Book of Changes. I'm told that Sumerian writings also ascribe great significance to this date.

Are you ready for something interesting?

On this date, the Mayan Calendar ends. Jesus Christ returns as the Final Avatar of Vishnu. The Singularity occurs. Gjallarhorn sounds, and Ragnarok commences. All of the world's nuclear warheads suddenly spout wings and fly to every city, town, and military base on Earth. Cthulhu rises from the depths, and humanity annihilates itself in an apocalyptic seizure of orgiastic devil worship. Adolf Hitler and John F. Kennedy fly out from their secret base in Antarctica in a gigantic swastika-emblazeoned UFO, sending out anti-Semitic death-rays. Coca-Cola is permanently replaced by Coke II. Nanobots created under the orders of twisted animators swallow the world and turn it into a homogenous pool of Nickolodeon Gak. 2Pac Shakur performs live. -1 * -1 finally equals -1.

All cars are spontaneously replaced by Chevy Vegas. Google indexes itself in a fit of infinite recursion. John Lennon and George Harrison come back from the dead and perform a final Beatles concert with Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney. Tom Cruise finally admits he's a homosexual. Arnold Schwarzenegger is sworn in as President for Life, a red gleam emerging from his pupils.

The quantum computer behind reality tries to divide by zero. Visual language is developed. All white people spontaneously turn into black people, and vice versa. Duke Nukem Forever is released. The Earth's poles reverse themselves. A freak accident with a particle accelerator turns half of the Earth's matter into anti-matter, causing the planet to spontaneously convert itself into pure energy.

The Anunaki, ancient Sumerian gods from the Sirius system, return. Michael Jackson becomes black again. Bohemians the world over rise up and kill anyone with an IQ under 130. Charles Manson is paroled. Every television station in the world simultaneously plays the movie Zardoz. Philosophy, science, sociology, mathematics, history, psychology, and the occult merge into one field of study. The Billboard Top 10 is dominated by black metal bands.

Christians and Muslims stop being afraid of sex. Everyone on Earth becomes bisexual. The Vatican gives up all those wonderful texts it's been keeping hidden. Microsoft releases the source code to all of their products. Time becomes a spatial dimension. A cure for HIV is found. Everyone on Earth simultaneously collapses in a fit of relieved laughter.