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JeffMagnus node of the day: http://slashdot.msn.com/

AND THEN THERE WAS LIGHT

I've been asking myself lately..what do I mean to Nate? Sure I flew to Ny from Texas to see him. Where did it get me? He constantly ignores me. He calls me when he feels like he is losing me. I'm jsut lost. I feel isolated from everyone because of him. I really like him. I enjoy talking to him. the few times that i do talk to him my day gets so much better. We did have a fun time in ny. it was one of the happiest times of my life. We had a blast, and when we slept we did hold eachother in our arms and it felt perfect. He asked me to be with him. I said no, and later said yes. Now where are we? I think that now that he has me, he isn't interested. perhaps I need to move on, or wait for him to come around. Who knows?
That's about all I was thinking about today. I went to work with my mom. We went out for lunch. I also returned Juan his tail gate from out car wars. more to node later...

note: not e2 nate

I'd been hesitating about it all day. After classes, I finnaly got myself to stop worrying about something so small and asked my friend Jenna out on a date this weekend. To my surprise, she said she would (and that she'd bring a friend of hers...more people is more fun). My god it feels good tobe able to actually ask a girl out...maybe I'm finnaly getting over that antisocial thing.

Probably not. But it's good to dream, eh?

I also found out my design for the Young Artists and Writers Society T-shirt will be used...Yeah! I spent untold hours trying to draw it well plus an hour or so of work in Paint Shop Pro to make it look extra-spiffy. Feels good to know I've done something cool.

Anyway, that's all. Oh, and I'm an edev member, but you don't care about that. Exams are starting to appear over the horizon, time for me to not worry about them. Till tomorrow then.

Softly falling flakes of snow, glittering in the sun of a clear sky. Children playing in the ankle deep blanket covering the earth, rosy cheeked and quietly enjoying winter's beauty.

The hell you talking about?

Not here. The snow billows from the sky in huge, wet chunks, landing in enormous mounds of ice and potentially fatal piles of white slush. The cold chases all but the insane to seek shelter and sit on registers (after kicking the cat off it first). The lucky ones have fire. Even the smokers stay inside today.

We got sent home from school an hour early due to the heavy snowfall. Just what every driver needs - a couple hundred high school students on the road in a blizzard, trying to learn how the brakes work on black ice. The stupid ones do donuts in the intersections, just to see what it feels like. Everyone else just tries to avoid people like them.

I played my first game of review basketball today in Mr. Knoll's class. I have been absent every Monday since school started, through no fault of my own. We lost.

Napped for a few hours of the afternoon, and then ate some rice for dinner. It matched my lunch rather well (a tiny cup of lettuce). Maybe I should eat less coconut chocolate candies in between classes, huh? I'll regret the way I eat some day, but I'm gonna enjoy all the extra junk while I'm still stupid enough to get away with it. McDonalds and Taco Bell for lunch every day, candy, pop, and endless batches of pancakes. Not to mention the ever-flowing Dole pineapple orange juice. And some occasional gummi octopi from the local Shell station. Mmmmm. Heart disease potential? Zero.

I'm in denial.

I was in the process of creating a cd for my brother for Christmas. Napster is being a bitch, so I suppose this will have to be delayed yet again. Adam just got a new car for his sixteenth birthday and plans on filling the trunk with sub woofers. He put me in charge of creating a worthy bass compilation cd to test his new system. An honor, I must say.

When it stopped snowing for a few minutes, I threw the frisbee around with Gus. He loves the snow. It accents his dirty white coloring, making the snow look impossibly clean. I soon tired and became quite frozen, so we retreated back to the safety of a heating pad and a fake fire.

I apologize for the randomness of this write up. I blame the Wu-Tang Clan distractions floating around in the background of my consciousness.

Last week: Yes, the final is open book and open note.

This afternoon: What are you talking about? I never said the test was open book ...

Now, you must be anxiously wondering, when is the test? In an hour.

I have offically reached the "fuck it" point - the one every finals-taking student gets to where they just wonder "What good will this do me? I'm screwed anyway."

So, they play on their computers and listen to CDs - some even start drinking before the test, just to make it that much more fun to take.

I hate finals.

However, the new development of the cute girl and my newfound ability to ignore how my roommates neglect, abuse, or take advantage of me are both helping me not take to my old theory that there's nothing wrong with me that a clocktower and an automatic weapon couldn't fix.

Countdowns

4 days until finals are done.
8 days until I go back to Montana.
15 days until Hawaii.

8:30 PM: Attempt to document the haze that is my life.

This is what my life consists of:

* Living at home (commuting to college)
  * Depressed single mother with no job / ambition.
    * For at least 4 years
    * Golddigger? (I hate to say it)
    * Drinks 3-4 liters of diet Dr. Pepper a day
  * Aging Geologist father cannot support me, my mother
    and himself living in seperate homes.
  * Future: Land job with GSIPP program and leap to 
    financial independence? (Still waiting for a call.)

* Putting up with both parents
  * Divorced but living together
    * For the holidays
  * Dislike sounds of parent's voices
    * Require earplugs to sleep
  * Distrust parents

* Confusion about (female name).
  * Are we still together? (I doubt it.)
  * Unsure if I am too overbearing
  * Unsure if I am too offputting
  * Unsure if she is interested anymore
    * She hasn't called recently but I know she really
      does have a busy schedule
  * Unsure if I am interested anymore
    * Mutual activities have reduced to 0 since this summer
  * Miss her too much
  * Afriad relationship is based on need, not want

* Loneliness
  * 3 friends
    * #1
      * Friend
      * Do not know why but I have not wanted to speak or
        do things with him recently
    * #2
      * Halfway between friend and acquaintance
    * #3
      * The same (female name).
    * Extreme amount of boredom
    * Feelings locked inside
    * Thoughts reverbating in my mind --> instability

* Activities
  * Technology
    * Great interest has waned almost completely over the
      last year.
      * Not learning new things.
      * Only use computer for www, email, and IM.
        * Only IM 3 friends + 1 more (who I don't see
          IRL)
      * Find advancing programming knowledge useless
        * No ideas for writing a fulfulling program
     * Unsure about current CS major
       * Can do CS and math work quite easily
         but it means nothing / not fulfilling
       * Other possible option: design (specifically
         visual: print and perhaps web)
         * No experience
         * Difficult to get started
         * Currently going to a technical school on
           scholarship (arts department lacking)
         * I am not a very aesthetic person
  * Music
    * Guitars have gone virtually untouched at least
      6 months.
    * Keyboard has gone virtually untouched at least
      9 months.
    * When I attempt to play either one I only play the
      same tunes I have played 1,000,000 times before and
      never try to learn anything new.
   * Card Games
     * Enjoy 2 card games but I only play online = not
       fulfilling
     * Ultimately only a distraction from getting all
       this sorted out and a distraction from my life
   * Daily activities (websurfing, watching tv, listening
     to music)
     * Only idles away time
     * I receive many messages over the course of a day
       but barely put out any.
       * Lurk on sites.
       * Only speak to 
         * 3 friends occasionally
         * Parents on a daily basis
       * This is the first time I've written something
         on my own accord in a long time
       * Only email the same 3 friends very rarely
    * Don't know how to enjoy myself
      * Unable to find creative expression
      * Unable to find enjoyable activities
      * Unable to enjoy things

* Attitude
  * I don't see any way out
  * Self defeating
  * High level of anxiety
  * Don't know what to do
  * Reflection leads me to the virge of tears
  * Constantly second guessing self
    * Am I doing this for attention?
    * Should I let anyone know?
      * I would tell myself to shut the fuck up
        * But I still don't know how to get out of this rut

Notable Notabes

It's odd... I used to find the whole suggestion of "Let's just be friends" inconceivable... How could you go back to a situation after having felt so strongly? But here I am. I guess I oughtta listen to chicks about that kind of stuff more often.

I haven't started studying for my biology final on wednesday, I really should considering it's 75% of my grade, but I just can't seem to concentrate. It seems like everything bad is happening to me during this week, these few days. Of course I know many many people out there have it much worse off than I do, but that doesn't make ME feel any better because I still feel crappy. Loneliness is definitely getting to me. As in my last daynode I vented about the two people I'm losing, the most important people. Nothing has changed, nothing is being resolved (in fact, I think it's gettin worse). I have never regretted decisions from the past because I made them considering the hurt that will be caused and if I am being fair to everybody. I tried to cause the least amount of hurt and to be most fair to everyone who would be affected by my decisions. Somehow all this is backfiring. Am I doing everything wrong??? Why are my decisions coming back to haunt me when I have spent so much time trying to make good ones. I always put others feelings before me and yet why are they hurting me now? I tell him to move on because I don't want him to linger on with me, someone who can't be with him anymore. I tell him I like someone else (which I do, but obviously there's no chance of me being with that someone else anyways), so he WILL move on and so he doens't get hurt later. So why is he being so cold all of a sudden? Why does his attitude change? Is this all part of the "moving on" process? I am but only a girl, I need to be cared for, to be loved, to be supported as much as the next girl. So why does life hate me so? Why must I always lose the ones that matter when I need them the most? I try to act strong, tough on the outside, but I'm oh so weak on the inside. How can I live like this? People tell me I should just forget all this and just move on?? How can I forget if I am constantly feeling pain inside? Move on to what?? Alrights, I think I'm done venting now...

Good Bye and Have a nice day.

back | days | forth

So many daylogs and my day has only just begun. Would people add so many words if there were no votes to be gained?

8:20 GMT

So I crawl out of bed after so much warmth from _within and ^without. It must simply be a product of my depression the wintertime, I do not want to wake up, to wash and dress ready for work.

Recently I asked my grandmother about the circumstances surrounding my birth. The story was totally different to my Mother's, which meant that one of them was lying. I had promised myself that I would not bring the topic up with my mother - I didn't want to rock the boat. But, last night in the car, my conversation with my Mother somehow turned to how she met my father, how she became pregnant with me, and how she moved away from her mother's house. I knew that the story she would tell me would be different from my grandmother's but I had completely underestimated the reaction.

My mother broke down completely, sobbing as she told me just how much she hated her life, how much her life had been ruined by meeting my father. I watched in horror as she poured hatred onto her mother, her sisters and my father. How can someone hold that much hatred for a group of people? I don't think there are any people in the world that I blame so totally for ruining my life - yesterday's daylog shows that I do place some blame on others, but really I just haven't done so well with the cards life has dealt me.

So I try to comfort her, even going so far as to touch my mother's shoulder at one point. But she has never really come to terms with her pain. It is too deep, she is too scarred to get over events that happened 26 years ago.. It wasn't really a deathly, vengeful hatred; she was just so upset, so hurt by what had happened to her.

It is so painful watching your mother cry. I hadn't realised that it would be quite so traumatic watching her break down so completely. I have seen her in physical pain before; she has back and knee trouble. But such deep, searing emotional pain? It was physically painful to see that display of pain

So I sat there, listening to her retelling her story as I remember it, a story so totally different to the one told by my grandmother. It was difficult to ask her any questions, anything I wanted to say sounded as though I was doubting her. It was also quite hurtful to know that I was not conceived with love, but through, at best, date rape. At one point, in a small voice, I asked whether I was ever loved. She replied that she did her best to raise me well and love me. I also found out that my Mother was desperate to move from my grandmother's house, that she had to get away from the prison she saw all around her.

It was a very traumatic evening; I just wanted to crawl back into bed after that and never get up again. I suppose it was grew me in some way, and I did find out some things about my Mother during the evening. She hates her younger sisters because my grandmother made her look after them from age 11. She is intensely jealous of her older sister, cursing her for the attention and love that her older sister denied her, and she also blames her older sister for the death of my grandfather and the breakup of the family. Certainly, all her pain seems to stem from her hatred and jealousy of her older sister. It's a sobering thought to realise that your childhood experiences can colour your attitude to people to such a degree, it makes me wonder what irrationality I carry with me because of my life experiences. I wonder if my Mother's older sister hates her in the same way, somehow blaming my Mother for everything that went wrong in their family in the years before my birth?

11:27

I really should stop staying up 'til 4... at least I woke up in finite time today =)

But anyway, the cool news: Gnus works! It started working after I updated it and gave it a valid NNTP server name =)

And it even supports ssh tunneling!

(nntp "oulussh"
      (nntp-address "tuomi.oulu.fi")
      (nntp-rlogin-program "ssh")
      (nntp-rlogin-user "ulankine")
      (nntp-open-connection-function nntp-open-rlogin)
      (nntp-end-of-line "\n")
      (nntp-rlogin-parameters
       ("nc" "news.oulu.fi" "nntp")))

(Actual server declaration also includes more ssh parameters...)

The bad thing?

The goddamned tcsh, how I hate thee.

Now, the Gnus expects (quite logically) that the remote server speaks NNTP. And "TERM: Undefined variable." isn't actually part of NNTP, you know...

I wish the university would let me to change shell without a Divine Intervention...

Wellwell. Time to face the challenges of the day...

(Let me guess: The hy00zly blasted daylog downvoter scripts again, uh?)

16:09

When I went to the university I took some photographs of the nice foggy views outside. (<drifting-thoughts>Maybe I should also take screenshots of Quake for some fraggy views...</drifting-thoughts>)

"The Internet and Computer Networks" lecture: More drifting thoughts. Umm, I got a bit drowsy.

Just one thing that the lecturer said, regarding Spamdexing: "Maybe we should try that in the excercises..." Ugh, I sincerely hoped he meant that we should try that in context of searching, not authoring... =)

I wanted to write more stuff earlier, but the server called nfstu was down so I couldn't log on...

20:00

Phwwww... A lot of stuff to do. Hmm hmm. Gnus still doesn't work like I wanted, but I wish it will soon.

I visited the university library today to get some ideas for humppa writeup. The Eläkeläiset record I got a while ago seems to have a song about a gay werewolf or something... =)

20:10

::sigh::

God I need a hug... (or you-know-more-deep-kindness while I'm at it...)

00:33

I think I need to node more of the SJG's edition of Principia Discordia...

...speaking of which: Not a single +-vote for my "real" writeups today... I'd ask you to waste your votes on the "real" writeups!

"You dind't buy this book to read my drivel. Turn the page and read Mal's drivel instead."

- Steve Jackson

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: humppa gourdfest principia discordia

Updated:

Dammit, I slept in this morning, then my train was late, so I missed ALL my classes...

I get to see pigpoo later today though, and I don't have to work, so I can chill for once. Whoo!

hum... Damnit, this is a short writeup, but I might have some interesting stuff later. ;-)

I've done most of my shopping for xmas, but I found out last night that my sister is getting me a good pair of headphones, so that means I'll have to spend more on her. argh...

YES!!!

"Aric, could you go shovel the driveway now?"

"Okay."

Looks outside.

"Goddammnit."

Oh yeah, It's my Birthday today.

I am now 22, older by a year or two than most of my friends - mainly because I took a gap year before university. This makes me feel even older - stupid I know.

So anyway - do I go out clubbing tonight? yes. What about to a meal I've been invited to? I don't know. Maybe I should try and get the program design done now then... Harumph.

Day Seven of my cold. At least I am not hacking up interesting colored things anymore. The temperature at the Addison airport was 25 degrees the last time I checked. God damn it man, I am supposed to be living in Texas! Why does nature hate me?

This is my second day log ever. I think that these things may be good, even if just for myself. I could care less about XP at the moment, I just like to lose myself in the spirit of creation. I haven't created any art in the last week or so, maybe that is a product of the weakness that occurs when one is sick. The guitar has not been touched. I have not drawn any mediocre emotional interpretation consisting of aliens and stars in awhile either. My noding on everything this week has consisted of a nodeshell rescue and a review of a Ween song. But that is not really a complaint! Just an observation.

It is finals week. I skipped my history exam today because no matter how I do, I would not pass. It brought to mind notions of wanting to quit college and just work for awhile, but I know that if I do quit I may never go back. This semester has been insane what with working full time as well as going to school full time.

There is a puddle under my car the size of Mexico. I wouldn't call it an oil leak, rather, an oil spill. I must have hit an iceberg or something on the way home last night. Just call me Exxon. The car only has to last me one more month and I will have enough saved for a decent down payment on a new automobile. A Honda Prelude. I have always wanted a sports car.

Got a call from an old friend today, he told me that he remembered all the hope and energy that I had four years ago and was concerned that not much excites me anymore. Don't lose that spirit. I sometimes wish I could return to the place I was back then, innocent, unblemished. I had nothing to worry about. I am sorry for destroying anyone's assumption of what I was. But then again, all the shit that I've been through has brought me to where I am now so it has to count for something - I still exist!

Must work until midnight tonight. I am beginning to think this technical support managerial job is not for me. But I can node at work with no one asking questions so maybe I do not know a good thing when I see one.

A look out the window, and see the beauty of snow, even more scarred by the black streaks of the now-clear roads, the splatter of dirty slush, and realize just how badly we really have affected this world. Hopes, not for people to disappear, but to advance to the point we don't have to be so dirty, so violent, so quick to annihilate in the name of building. All this right after waking up.

Morning routine ensues. I see a twinkle in my eye while drying my hair that makes me smile, a twinkle that shows what's in my head, and seems so knowledgable.

A slow morning at work, hours on E2 again, this can't be good. Lunch, and watch the tape of Biography of the Year. And with some thought before it even starts, the number 1 becomes obvious. The ones behind an event on a scale that even dwarfs the chaos for the presidential election. The two behind the completion of the Human Genome Project. After an hour of watching, I see I am correct.

A quick check of my e-mail, another friend responding. A very ambivalent message, an uncertain reaction. I don't know what to think. I shall have to give him some time, I suspect. I should have expected that not everyone would be so immediately accepting, but I could hope.

Now, I sit here back at work, listening again to my Delerium CD, Poem, and enjoying it. (Thank you adoxograph for using your discount for me :)

I get home from work, lounge around, and we decide to get pizza tonight to celebrate her final for her class. She wanders off a little after 6, I watch a little more of the Biography, and order pizza. Then, I give my friend a call, the first one who responded very positively. It's a short conversation, she was on her way out, but we talk for a few minutes, and she is definately happy for me finding what makes me happy.

Watch the rest of the Biography, and she gets home a few minutes before the pizza comes - good timing. We eat, watch random TV, and she chats on the phone to a friend.

Then comes Battlebots. I enjoy the show. Quite a bit. Though the start of this new season is a rather quick disappointment. No, not the show, just the results. Mecha Tantamushi loses. Mauler 5150 loses. Snake loses. The ones I really like all seem to lose. They're only bots for goodness sake, why do I even care? Hmph. Oh well, it was still fun to watch.

No more e-mail, seems the server is down.

I go to bed.

today is a Snowday!!

This is one of the best parts of living in Canada, at least once a year we get to stay home because there is just too much snow. There is about 25 cm of snow and it is -26 C outside right now. Oh joy. I think I am going to do some of my math homework today.

My mom woke me up at 6 am to tell me that she was about to leave for work and that today isn't a snowday. Being myself, I went back to sleep, woke up at 7:30, and woke up my sister. I looked out the window and only I could see was snow. When my mom phoned, I told her there is no way I am walking to school in that. See said 'I woke up at 5 to shovel the driveway. You are going to