Console holds nine beers.
When I was younger I was under the impression that once I became an adult, the world would make perfect sense and that all my questions would magically be answered by a sudden day of realization that involved becoming a grown up. However misguided that impression was, I still believed it until one day...
It was a summer day in 1986. I was working as an assistant manager for a Mobil gas station. My friend Martin and I were involved in a scheme to purchase cars, repair them and sell them at a luxurious profit. It was a scheme that went nowhere, but that isn't relevant any longer.
We combed the classifieds and a publication called the "Want Advertiser" for cars that people were selling well below value. We had seen many ads, and all have since been forgotten. All except one.
Console holds nine beers.
Someone was selling their beloved automobile. They were noting the regular things, such as the year, make and model as well as its color and the fact that the windshield wipers functioned. However, their chief selling point was unconventionally absurd.
Console holds nine beers.
We began to wonder exactly why they would note this. Perhaps they sought to market the car to heavy beer drinkers. Why not note it as holding nine "canned beverages"? And why just nine? Could one not cram a tenth into the console? Was the ninth beer really fitting into the console, or did they force the ninth in because they felt it would be tough to sell a car whose console could only hold eight beers?
We considered phoning the number in the ad in order to ask this, and other questions. We wanted to know if there was a way to keep the beers cold. Was the console watertight? Could it also hold ice? If so, how much ice could it hold? Could the console be closed with the nine beers contained in a refrigerated unit in the event of the appearance of a police cruiser?
Console holds nine beers.
Could the glove box hold additional beers? What was the easiest way to get a twelve pack into the vehicle? Did the console hold cans only or bottles as well? If so, how many bottles could it hold compared the the number of cans? Was there a place for chips and dip somewhere on the dashboard? Were women impressed when they entered the vehicle and saw the great secret of this magical car? All these questions begged for answers. We never called. These questions will remain unanswered for an eternity. That makes me sad. To understand the mind that placed that advertisement might have answered so much that remains unclear to me about life...
Console holds nine beers.
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