| The first step requires a little preparation. Begin with a sluggish morning. It does not need to be particularly dreary, just slightly off-kilter. Your best bet is to spend a few moments watching the tone of the light drifting lazily through the window. See how it's a little dimmer than it should be? The paleness to it, making shadows a little harder to tell from substance? This is your perfect catalyst. Savor the coolness of it, your body should misinterpret the appropriate signals readily enough. Give your thoughts some time to work up. Remember, these mornings it will take longer than usual to gain coherency. Exercise the proper patience, you'll have the whole day to ruminate without respite.
Step two comes more easily. Neither hot nor cold water will wash away the sticky residues of sleep from your mind. Go about all things with a half-commitment. Each motion should be more arduous then necessary. Make sure to recall how much you'll have to accomplish today, and how little energy you have in reserve to make it past noontime. Do it often. Somehow, you'll eventually stumble your way to that instutition established for you betterment. What a privilege you've been given this wonderful day!
It seems you've forgotten something. In fact, you've forgotten many things. Welcome to step three. Make your frenzied apologies and excuses to the skeptical and irritated. After all, it's only the fifth time this month you haven't accomplished the most basic of tasks assigned you within an appropriate period. Scrape the bottom of the barrel for some reason, the most flimsy excuse to cover your ass. Best to say you were ill. Which you were of course, but not exactly. Illness entails a harmful deviation from normality. And this has happened far too regularly to consider it a deviation anymore.
Step four will involve some group effort. In a room filled with hundreds of others, attempt to concentrate. Let the low buzz of chatter occupy your thoughts, slowly pushing to the side any more important concerns. Fiercely, if necessary. You'll know it's working by the way the muscles of your shoulder tighten involuntarily. Your head will lower closer to the table as the text of your book, so much meaningless incomprehensible drivel for you today, loses focus. Cringing cannot save you from minute variations in air pressure fluctuating in discernable patterns, however much you may wish it. Let your anger build. Lash out blindly at those anonymous dozens crowding into your head. Imagine them as faceless mannequins. Claw them. Tear their skin, snap and shatter bones, dig deep inside and rip away everything you can get your hands on. With knives, with bullets, with hammers, with your bare hands destroy them utterly. Bathe in blood and screaming. Taste death in the air. Tremble with the ecstasy of mindless violence. And then wake up. We're not finished yet, you know! Nothing has been spilled yet save your dignity.
By step five, you should be fragile enough that anything will break you. Bear it silently while every kind word carries a veiled insult, every praise covers for a biting criticism, every sideways glance becomes a glare of disdain, and every touch holds a threat. You'll be adequately expressive enough that others will notice. They'll be more than glad to help you through these final few steps. Your friends, family, the random strangers whom you'll never know better; all of them are there for you. Count on their steadfast ability to make this worse. After all, your mind can twist anything into an attack now that you've come so far. The rest will be effortless.
You're nearly there! Lock yourself away for step six. You'll need some peace, quiet, and privacy to rape yourself of whatever stability you may have left. Good to the last drop. It's important to keep your concentration now. Imagine yourself. Imagine all your faults. Take each mistake you've made, large or small, line them neatly in a row and consider. Add a few more that may or may not have occurred. Realize that there is nothing else to your existence but this; your faults and your mistakes. Be well aware of the tenuous grip you have on reality and use it to your advantage. It's shameful, such irrationality, isn't it? No one of any worth would stoop to such levels just for their own dismantlement. If you're so insistant on your worthlessness, in the face of everyone's concern and love, it must be true, mustn't it? Such abuse of trust, such disregard for the faith of others that you'll make the right decision, that those chemicals rushing between each neuron have finally balanced out. It's shameful. Hear your insecurities speaking, not in metaphor, but in the literal. Listen attentively to their raspy-voiced whispers. Feel them caress your skin with long tapered fingers of ice. You're hallucinating now! Isn't that wonderful? You'll need to do something to end this, before your life is torn away in feverish psychosis and regrettable action. Step seven. Remove the razor carefully. Your hands will be just a little unsteady, so do it slowly. Hold the blade to the skin, pressed softly. Slide. It's been so hard to tell the shadow from the light today, you won't be quite sure how deeply you're cutting. That's alright. Just keep going.
Step eight. Do not do anything at all. Watch in a trance while the droplets gather, then drip to the floor. Don't do a thing. Just let it happen... you won't care for a couple more minutes at least.
Step nine. Consult Blood Stains (How to Remove). Quite appropriate how these things come in pairs, eh?
Step ten. Repeat.
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