I like to think of myself as a factual to philosophical noder, but not a blogger or a daylogger. Having come to believe in the subjective nature of reality, I am now moving onto the objective nature of ideas, because, after all, what fun is subjectivity? It should be a lens, not a picture. Nevertheless I am in conflict because although I have very concrete goals and aspirations, I have difficulty conforming myself to my own expectations. I accept hypocrisy as a necessary and fundamental human characteristic, but only in the limited sense of shaping an ideal personal reality. For myself, the crazy thing is I know what makes me happy, but sometimes I purposefully ignore what I know to be the right course of action for bizarre unknown reasons. Doesn't seem like laziness.

I have some sort of fear of success, or something holding me back, or perhaps an unknown goal that is actually driving me. The disturbing thing is that by outward appearances I've really got my shit together. I am too skeptical of others to seek advice from friends and family, and I wouldn't want to compromise those relationships anyway. I suspect a psychologist could help me, but I think my problems are deeper and more introspective than the traditional character disorders and neuroses. So far psychologists have failed to understand what's bothering me, but I'll keep looking. I need someone familiar with my ideas. A spiritual philosopher rather than a clinical diagnostician. Maybe all I need is the balls to ditch this cookie and go study with a Zen teacher.

I record the following poorly-written poem in this day log as a record of my current mindstate:

Wisening

opportunity aggregate
binding thought to decision
unwilling destruction
and scattered focus
forced loose grasp

Uncomfortable silence of the soul sows
Abortive struggles to arrive

conceptual bursting
priority annointing
reason eroding
satisfaction confusing

purpose releases
prescribed ideas blend
thought buried foundations
physicality pervades

No delineation exists where emotion ends
Nothing exists when emotions begin
Leave Wise

Day 2 - "The Day of Realisation"

Introduction
Although the title is Day 2, this is actually the beginning of my little story. Day 1 was quiet and all was fine in the house. My flatmate had been away for the previous week so I'd had the entire place to myself. I could have a shower with the bathroom door open, I could cook naked (nothing that splatters, obviously), I could watch TV in my boxer shorts - and watch what the hell I like (even though it is my TV) and my girlfriend and I had plenty of "us" time. Like I said, Day 1 was quiet, Day 2 however got off to an icy cold start. Literally. The heating had been turned off. My flatmate had decided the previous night that it was too hot in the house (we'd probably reached room temperature - "watch out! we'll melt") and turned it all off. He doesn't need to be up in the morning so he won't notice that it's -10° before the sun comes up. So yeah, I'm climbing out of bed with icicles hanging off my nose and I make my way to the bathroom bleary eyed. After remembering to lock the bathroom door, I launch myself into the shower cubicle in anticipation of a hot jet of steaming water. Instead, I'm encased in ice from the top down. I scream like a child who's just had it's balloon stolen. The hot water is off too. B*stard.

Having waited around impatiently for 20 minutes while the hot water comes on, I finally get my shower, get dressed and head off to work. My day generally goes quite well but by the time 5:30pm comes around I'm really tired. I catch the bus home but I'm forced to listen to two guys at the back of the bus singing (badly) at the top of their voice pretending to be on Popidols or something. Fifteen minutes later I'm ready to kill them, as are the rest of the people on the bus. When somebody does finally say something, they try to start a fight - fortunately for me, it's my stop.

I flip my key out, open the front door, and head up the stairs. As I reach the top, I'm set upon by flatmate. Ever seen a dog greet it's master when it returns home after work? JUST. LIKE. THAT. My flatmate, having no job at the moment, is doing everything possible to alleviate his boredom. He's bought an impressive array of technology - new cordless phones, new microwave, you get the idea. I'm hungry, all I wanna do is cook my dinner, watch some TV, read my book (Feersum Endjinn by Iain M. Banks - an excellent book by the way) and get some sleep. To cook my dinner, I need to learn how to use this new microwave. It's surprisingly easy to use (despite the mass of controls on the front) but by now my patience is wearing thin. The constant chatter in my ear hasn't stopped since I walked through the door thirty minutes ago and it's reeeeally starting to grind.

I manage to get a few minutes to myself while I get changed in my room. I can see how the rest of the night is going to play out. My flatmate is going to sit on his PC all evening on a dating website and laughing just loud enough for me to hear him wherever I am in the house. If I go and watch TV, he'll come and join me. So here I am, sitting in my room, writing this for e2 and dealing with the fact that it's time I got my own place. While it's very appealing, it's also a bit scary - what if I go insane on my own? I know I won't be on my own all the time, but...well...you get my drift. Enough for now, I think I'll read my book and get some sleep.

Next entry...

---

If you've got any comments or suggestions feel free to /msg me. Oh, I'm English so pardon my, uh, English (realisation).

Yesterday, me and Anne had some shopping spree.

We went to some media shop and bought tons of DVDs.

One of these, I've been waiting for for years : The Police video anthology.

I knew this already existed in Laserdisc format, I saw it loooong ago in France.

But now, it's okay, I can watch Stewart Copeland playing his imaginary drums in the "Message In A Bottle" clip.

Also found other good stuff but it still seems that Larry Flint is not yet available...

I can wait for this one.

This birthday finished in a good brasserie, near Bern's Baerengraben.

We had what we may call the most decent dinner ever (we both adore foie gras).

I forgot how nice it was to be on holiday :-)

But why the Hell did they wake me up at 8:00 today ?

Can't they fix their broken cluster alone ?

Sledgehammer Salute

This poem is a commemorative of April 9, 2003 where Coalition Forces entered Baghdad's central Square of the Unknown Soldier, and were greeted by throngs cheering and attempting to take down a twenty plus foot statue of Saddam Hussein.

Even on Al Jareeza, this event has been said to be the most broadcasted event in history.

Live on television shots could be heard fired, and the crowd dispersed while marines looked for a possible sniper.

At one time a marine put an American flag on Saddam's bronze face, and must have felt Big Brass's scorn, and took it down, and replaced it with an Iraqi one.

Finally, after Military heavy machinery is put in place, they pull it down, and actually break it in half. Tom Brokaw and Tim Russert assert that the rejoicing in the streets was correctly predicted by our government. And Brokaw recalled an Iraqi saying privately to him, to come quickly. There are about 75 percent awaiting liberation. Unfortunately had to hear from Brokaw that Al-Jazeera is making a big deal out of the American flag bit.

There is a certain amount of vindication, in my humble opinion of the policies that seem so outrageous to others. Now if we can just find that smoking WMD gun.... But, still, despite the horrible early April snow, I'm glad to see some good news.

They still fight
For the right
To give whacks
To the max
At the man
On a stand.

Hand held high
How some die
Saddam's sly.
Let me try
To swing that
Hammer hard.

An evil Bard
Takes another
Dive below
Like Satan's
Lair, Hello!
Like the Bronze
Going Down.

Army tanks:
Cheer the Yanks
Get a rope
Put around
His big neck
Sniper shoots
What the heck?

Crowds scatter
It matters.
It's been tough
We won't slough
Even battered.
Don't worry
Equipment
Comes to help.

Huge Statue
will flat you
Get on back
This boy'll crack.
66 years
He lived life
Loving strife
Flag on face
Take it down.

Heavy chain
No big strain
Pulling now
Starts to tilt
Now's he down!
Nary a frown!
Toppled king
Broke in Two
We're dancing!

Marines psyched
Also miked
Embedded
Just wedded
Too much dust
Baghdad'r bust!
Iraqi flag
Now flies proud
Hear it loud
Freedom's joy
Don't be coy!

Please tell me we can now stop dropping bombs on residential neighbourhoods, leaving children orphaned and armless, or dead.

Please tell me that the post-war rebuilding effort will actually be handled effectively and successfully.

Please tell me that Iraq will not be left to rot in six months the way Afghanistan has been.

Please tell me that more people don't have to die to keep the price of oil high.

Please tell me it's over.

An announcement today in the gods group: the United Nations has approached Everything2 about setting up a provisional government in Iraq administered by E2's content editors. The interim constitution will consist of the Everything FAQ; computer terminals with Web access will be issued to all Iraqi citizens with their home page set to this site. This will, it is believed, contribute to the stability of the country as the new noders find they would rather get upvotes and C!s on their writeups about vengeance and looting than actually engage in these activities.

Critics of the plan argued that the gods and editors "can sometimes be condescending", and that there are times when their application of the rules can seem arbitrary and whimsical. These critics were subsequently eaten by the Everything Death Borg.

I don't tend to write stuff like this but I've got some really good news so I wanted to share it with you guys :)

Today my Boyfriend finally, after many disilusions, was told he got the job he wanted in the same city I'm studying at. He's going to be working whilst doing a PhD (in something to do with {paralel systems] and distributed computing???) which he really wanted to do. Hurrah!

After an almost 2 year long distance relationship we finally get to live in the same country and the same town. Not only that but he's going to be buying the cottage we both wanted so we'll be able to move in together in a couple of months.

Im really excited so to celebrate I've bought some bottles of wine to share with my friends, seeing as he's obviously not here, and we are puting on our posh frocks (well for the ladies at least) and we are going out celebrating.

To top things off the war is almost over so every one is much happier :)

Oh and the term finishes on Friday, which is good as I've had a really stressful couple of weeks with orals, exams and papers due in. So I get to go home for a week for the first time this year :)

They told me...

They told me that we couldn't go to war unless the Congress voted for it.

Congress did.

They told me that we had to have a UN resolution.

It's number 1441.

They told me that oil prices would skyrocket.

They fell.

They told me that we dare not embark on a "real" ground war, our military wasn't up to it.

They were up for it, big time.

They told me there would be terrorist attacks around the world.

Three weeks, no attacks.

They told me that the Iraqis would fight like demons; with bio and chemical weapons.

They didn't.

They told me that we didn't have enough troops or equipment in Iraq to win.

We did.

They told me that our supply lines were too long and tenuous.

They weren't.

They told me that the Iraqi troops would hide behind civilians, making it impossible to get at them without killing the civilians.

High precision, communication and compassion turned out to be a better strategy. Never in history has a army worked so hard to avoid killing civilians.

They told me that the cities would never fall without bloody, street-to-street fighting that would kill hundreds of thousands of civilians.

Never happened.

They told me the war would dissolve into a quagmire, lasting many months.

The regime fell in three weeks.

They told me there would be huge US casualties.

Less than a hundred, so far.

They told me that the Iraqi people would see us as invaders, not liberators.

Tell it to the marines.

---

Now, they're telling me that there might still be terrible fighting ahead, that aid won't arrive fast enough, that Iraqis will get over their jubilation and start hating us, that Saddam isn't dead yet, and that no Iraqi government can be considered legitimate unless it's established by the UN.

We'll see.

---

Some snips from Associated Press today:

"He killed millions of us," said one young Iraqi, who spat on one of countless portraits of Saddam scattered throughout the capital.

"We are relieved because for years we lived in anxiety and fear," said Shamoun George, a resident of Baghdad's Karrada district, as American troops entered the area.

"Bush, Bush, Thank you," chanted small bands of youth in Saddam City, a predominantly Shiite area of eastern Baghdad.

I am a happy person.

Practically everyone that meets me describes me as "cheerful"; even "exuberant". I get sad sometimes, but overall, I try my best to enjoy life. To be the opposite of depressed. Since this is possible for me, I assume that my brain chemistry is such that I am safe from constant hopelessness and despair. This is none of my doing; it's just the way I ended up.

Not everyone is so lucky. My late mother was seriously depressed; she attempted suicide on several occasions, yet that was not what killed her: she ended up dying of a freak heart attack at the age of 45. My mother's brother -- my only uncle on that side of the family -- killed himself at the age of 29. Several of my friends in elementary school ended up getting into self-injury. My sister has struggled with this problem recently. My ex-roommate was bipolar. It seems that the majority of people that have been close to me throughout my life have suffered from some sort of chemical imbalance. It's like an epidemic. Humanity itself is beset with imbalances; we are self-destructive to a fault. We're infected with the war virus, we are susceptible to zealotry and we are fundamentally broken.

Yet I wake up with a smile. I take pleasure in the simple delights of cookies and video games. I get frustrated with my friends that instant-message me, telling me that they feel hopeless. What is the point of hopelessness? I am so far removed from the depressive mindset that I can't help but wonder why people punish themselves with negativity. It is possible to be fully aware of the problems in the world without letting it drag you down, without waking up every day disappointed that you're not dead. The thing is, some people's brains are not wired for hope or happiness. It's unfair. There are medications out there, but not every harmful variation in human brain chemistry has been properly addressed by modern science. I feel the way I do simply because of a quirk of good fortune. Given this good fortune, what am I supposed to do with it? Am I meant to cheer people up, even when attempting to do so is exhausting and fruitless? Am I supposed to just go about my day, whiling away the hours, hoping that the Universe will correct itself?

I saw a spider in the bathroom last night. I like spiders; I like the way they look and the way they move; all those legs coordinated brilliantly. The ability to walk up the wall and not look down. I never kill spiders (with the exception of ones I know to be poisonous; in that case, I invoke the doctrine of survival of the fittest). This spider ignored me and I stared at it, thinking that the Universe is truly a wondrous phenomenon, to organize itself into such creative and delightful ways of shifting energy from one form to another. Each spider I see is an embodiment of balance. Or at least that is the way I like to think of it.

I know I can't tell you to be happy. I cannot tell you to stop injuring yourself or quit drinking to excess. Humans cannot tell others how to feel and expect results. But I do want to express that there are good things about being alive, and that I am very sorry if you cannot experience or appreciate them.

to: pm@pm.gc.ca

M. Chretien,

I would like to thank you for not taking Canada to the war against Iraq. I know it was a difficult decision. Nobody in the world has stronger economic and cultural ties with the United States than us. The fact that our two largest trading partners went to war and we did not, shows that our government does not crumple under economic pressure but tries to do what is compassionate and represents the views of Canadians.

Now that the war is on, I can hardly come to terms with it. When I hear of innocent civilians getting killed, I can hardly watch the news. When I hear of a pregnant woman who has only one way to fight: lead soldiers to a bomb and die along with her victims, I feel doubly vexed. Firstly, it is plain to see that there are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq if civilians are using these tactics. Secondly, this desparate woman represents a people trapped between an despotic leader and a Superpower.

I wish that all of this was not happening but I have to throw that wish away. It is happening. Innocent people are dying. It is not their fault. The only vision of hope is that the Iraqi people may soon have a fresh start, free of their despotic leader and brighter future, with investments in education, healthcare and security that only a Superpower like the United States can provide.

What should Canada do? Canada should ensure that this mission is fulfilled with compassion. Let's show Muslims around the world that Muslims and Westerners can work together to transform Iraq into a democratic and fair jewel of a society. This will not only be humanistic but will also reduce the negative downwardly spiralling relationship between Muslims and the West that has lead to terrorism in the past.

On Sunday, the popular news show, 20/20, depicted the the American rebuilding effort as just a way to award top Republican party supporters generous contracts. I simply can't believe this. We know that our neighbour is business-minded and selfish at times but it is not so greedy and evil. I propose that Canada do everything possible to make sure that this rebuilding effort is done with compassion and fairness. I propose that we make sure that this rebuilding effort has focussed goals until its completion . I propose that we make sure that we improve the lives of surviving Iraqis and show them that we will not forget them after new oil contracts have been signed.

I know that this is an era where we have all accepted our own selfishness and top decisions are made based on opinion poll statistics and a cost/benefit ratios. The fact that you decided not to go to war shows that, yes, these things are important, but being fair and democratic is more important. If we play a key role in the rebuilding in Iraq, I think that it will be an incredible thing and a great legacy for you as Prime Minister. I am always looking for noble behaviour among people and I have to admit, in this era it is rare. With this e-mail I present you with a crown for being such a great and rare Prime Minister (see attached crown.jpg). Merci.

"Good morning mom, good morning dad ! Guess what ? I'm now a fully bred level 2 noder !"

"What ? !"

Celebrate with me, I am now a fully bred level 2 noder !

The path was long and filled with traps, but full of good advice. And now that I am not mute anymore, the world will hear from me.

E2 is perfect. Hail ! It teaches people how to learn. I know I have still alot to learn. But my path is lit now : I only have to follow the XP stones now, and climb each branch of the great E2 tree.

"What ? ! Are you messing again with this E2 stuff ! ? What is it after all ?"

E2 is a tree. People planted it some time ago. Others look after it : they water it, cut its branches and make sure it's proficient.

But what ? Am I more proud of leveling up than I was on my 20th birthday ? I did exist before though... but wait ! everyone gets 20 some day.