Everything2 New Writeups

Driving on the Interstate Highway System with a gunshot wound (how-to)

2009-11-28T02:35:13Z

This is an instructional type writeup that contains vital instructions and information on...

How to drive on the Interstate Highway System with a gunshot wound

One of the things that happens when you are living a correct life and getting out there and mixing it up with the kind of trash that belong in an eight by ten cell is that you get shot. As someone who has been to Cairo as I have and is talking to someone like you who has never been to Cairo and never will, I am the best person to instruct you in these matters.

The first thing you need to do after suffering a gunshot wound is to get on the Interstate Highway. This is because the police can get a look into your car on city streets and also on county roads and other numbered streets that go from here to there, but on the Interstate Highway you can move fast and even if highway patrol cars drive alongside you everything is so blurry that they don't know whether you are a man behind the wheel or a dog.…

Project Steve (idea)

2009-11-28T02:28:52Z

Evolution is a vital, well-supported, unifying principle of the biological sciences, and the scientific evidence is overwhelmingly in favor of the idea that all living things share a common ancestry. Although there are legitimate debates about the patterns and processes of evolution, there is no serious scientific doubt that evolution occurred or that natural selection is a major mechanism in its occurrence. It is scientifically inappropriate and pedagogically irresponsible for creationist pseudoscience, including but not limited to "intelligent design," to be introduced into the science curricula of our nation's public schools.
Project Steve's official statement

Project Steve is a tongue-in-cheek response to creationist claims that evolution is a "theory in crisis". Directly, it riffs on the…

potato salad (poetry)

2009-11-28T02:03:01Z

chop

bang

So, are you with her, or not?

bang

chop

Which doesn't make sense

not really

if you think

(stop... because, in the heat of mingled legs and soft juices, dripping chins and jaws of open honey, this is like asking what means alive is alive the same as being alive?

chop

bang

So, are you with her, or not?

bang

chop

if you

(stop... because, in the heat of all these hot lip kisses exchange, a mingling flesh of two thin brothers, slick hips and hot california detail, how do you take a pair of hips?

chop

bang

look, fuck this somehow in moreover...

bang

chop

I can't

(stop... because in the heat of all that, and it's hot make no mistake, how does a guy hold back? What, it's my shit, my whole dog responsi-what-a-lity? Heh, bitch you got somethin...

chop

dispose

Spotlight eyes on the endless skies (poetry)

2009-11-28T01:31:12Z

How pitiless the moon,
And how endless is the sky?
Indigo and ivory,
Ebony and empty,
Silence lingers in the black.

The Ten Most Ridiculous Metal Videos Ever (review)

2009-11-27T23:47:43Z

Oh fuck a pig with Thor's hammer, I'm spoilt for choice on this one.

Yano how I wrote about the ten geekiest metal songs ever, and how if you're a metal band you can get a field full of overweight, oversexed, overbearing drunkards thrashing about to songs based on Warhammer 40k or Galactus or even arsing Nintendo games? Well, for the same reason you can do this, music videos like the following are made. Enjoy. They are all silly beyond belief and all totally rule.

10. Blind Guardian, "This World Is Sacred"

In one two-word sentence: ORCS MOSHING. Specifically, computer generated orcs moshing in a computer generated hall while a computer-generated version of the band performs on stage, like it's a cut scene from a video game. Which it is. Because this song, and the video to it, were released as part of the game "Sacred 2 - Fallen Angel." And they weren't just bundled with it - they were integra…

And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids! (thing)

2009-11-27T23:47:26Z

Surprising... I thought there'd be a write-up here already...

For those of you who don't know, this line is often heard used in the Scooby-Doo television shows and movies, starting back in the series titled, Scooby-Doo, Where Are you!.
At the end of most, if not all, episodes of any of the Scooby-Doo saga the caught villain often angrily accuses the team for his/her failure, sometimes including something along the of line "And your mangy mutt too!"

Many other shows, movies, books, and comics include references to this quote, often directly.
It's often used in tribute to Scooby-Doo, as his material has been a profound influence for the past 40 years on people from all ages.

I won't cite any references to other uses of this quote, mostly because there appear to be so many, I'm more concerned about its origin.

At least the villians give credit to the 'meddling kids' whenever they're captured, which is more than most would do.

For cliches...…

Habeeb's Laundrette (person)

2009-11-27T22:52:40Z

Habeeb's Launderette

Seeing as I'm here, in the warm, throbbing, shabbily clean environment provided by the launderette, I may as well say something about Habeeb. Habeeb was, if not lord and master, then at least overseer and regulator of a domain just like this one, his warm-as-toast refuge against the spiky cold Chicago nights of my lean, unemployed, homesick months. Habeeb's was a launderette – although, of course, there they say Laundromat – of the ordinary kind; smelling strongly of detergent, washing powder adverts on the walls, the television, on which Habeeb…

Reverse Convertible (thing)

2009-11-27T22:30:21Z

Introduction

A reverse convertible is not a car with a messed-up gearbox and no roof, but rather, a hybrid security that can behave like a bond or like shares, as the issuer desires. As such, it is vaguely similar to an ordinary convertible bond, where the choice is made by the investor. In this node, we'll take a look at precisely what this reverse convertible is, and why one would or would not want to buy one.

What is it?

In a reverse convertible, the issuer has the choice to pay you back in either cash or a certain number of shares. Now, if the value of these shares is lower than the value of the cash, you can expect to get the shares. If it is higher, you will probably get the cash. As such, the seller has in effect the option to sell you shares at a price equal to the value of the bond divided by the shares price. As such, this option has an effective strike equal to this price. It is noted that this "option" is…

Princess of pentacles (fiction)

2009-11-27T22:07:32Z

The upper reaches of the castle are cold and dark; he is warm in fur and velvet and silk, waiting for Cinderella in this deserted hallway. Over and over he turns the box between his fingers, waiting for her. Surely, he reasoned, she had come. Surely, she was waiting.

They had met at a market in the shadow of the train station. He, escaping from his bodyguards and the press of responsibility, dressing down like a common tradesman and perusing the stinking press of humanity. She had been smeared with clay and dye, an apparition in common men's trousers, her black hair caught back from her face in a messy bow of viridian, shocking emerald against the tanned skin of her neck and arms. (It matched one of her eyes: mismatched green and brown in her heart-shaped face.)

Words had been unimportant; conversation had passed into drinks, and late into the evening, they had talked. Unselfconsciously, she had pulled him up into a narrow garret and undressed before pressing him down into her bed…

the madwoman and the jackals (fiction)

2009-11-27T21:06:49Z

Jackals howl between the brambles; brassy-toned and belligerent, they are worrying at the remains of her cottage, looking for the last scrap of the meat they came to feast on. Between the twisting, blackened limbs, she crouches in the mud (in the middens), whispering beneath her breath to the daughter held safe between bony limbs. They will not find her here. She is more clever than their noses; there are tokens inside her ragged bodice, hiding them from site.

Jackals. Two-legged jackals on horses with spiked bridles and in fine blued armor. She murmurs softly to Jessifer, though the child is still. Herbs. Herbs in her broth so that the child will not cry out. Her daughter. Her own little witchling.

On the fine mare, the golden mare, the jackal's lady sits high and fine in her silk and furs, gazing coldly into the wreckage of the cottage. Her dogs are baying about the door, yelling.…

Two weddings full of mystic secrets: My Deathly Hallows moments (fiction)

2009-11-27T19:50:37Z

This was the summer that I finally finished my bachelor's degree, through the white flag maneuver of signing up for lots of random classes until they gave me a degree in Liberal Studies, which is the academic equivalent of an "irreconcilable differences" divorce. I managed to graduate by riding around on a bus at odd times, and in between all of, my friend got married. And by friend, I mean "girl who I agonized over all through my late teens and early 20s", but you've all heard that story before, and that is not what I am going to talk about. Only point is: it was probably as well that I was invited to the wedding, and I did promise not to embarrass myself. I am, after all, named after the Goddess of Should-be-invited-to-weddings-to-avoid-trouble. This is the wedding that Khadija put on for my friend, out in the scenic, lahar-prone valleys of Hood River. And I am not even going to talk about that, I am going to talk about walking up by the reservoir. In…

The help you need (fiction)

2009-11-27T18:13:29Z

"Security cameras picked you up masturbating in your cell last night." Dr. Stearns said matter-of-factly.

Imperceptibly, Meyer started tensing for a fight. The first flushes of heat in his forehead started pulsating; his fingers became jittery, tapping lightly on his jeans. Meyer looked up from the burgundy office chair he was sitting in and considered the question. "Yeah, I was" he admitted, "what's it to you?"

Stearns was mildly annoyed by the tepid defiance. "Tell me about the fantasy you were using. Was it the same one as usual, or something different?"

Meyer leaned back and crossed his arms. Closed off. Barrier. He felt the familiar resistance now in his mind to this ridiculous question, felt his blood pressure rise. Felt lightness of head, quickness of foot, like an ancestor stumbling upon a sleeping lion. Today, though, he wasn't going to yield. He wasn't going to…

The day my best friend cried (event)

2009-11-27T17:20:42Z

It may as well have rained that day, it would've at least preserved some of her dignity.
I never want to see it again.
It was the most beautiful, yet heartwrenching sight I'd have ever seen in my life.
My best friend was crying behind the store dumpster, smoking in a vain attempt to calm down, like it somehow was supposed to help.
It doesn't matter why she broke down in front of me, all that mattered was that I was there to make it more bearable...The intense pain that she was exhibiting, that she was trying to hide...
I wish it were raining... At least she'd have smiled a little then.
I had gone to check on her, and there she was...
Looking like a complete mess...
Sobbing helplessly, uncontrollably.
Asking if I brought weed...
I came bearing worse news that I didn't want to impart to begin with, but when I saw the intense pain she was in...
It ate away at my very essesense, and suddenly...
The only thing I had to do...
Was listen.
So I did.…

Thurisaz (thing)

2009-11-27T16:49:49Z

Thurisaz is often called the rune of winter, the rune of giants, and the rune of misfortune. The alternate, more prevalent title, is Thorn, as the usage is generally that of a goad or a sharp point. At best, this rune is useful in a bindrune, generally against ill-fortune or to turn back perceived bad luck upon the source. Thurisaz is an unpredictable, chaotic rune, and is useful in rune divination as a warning against folly or malice.

Translations of the Icelandic kennings have given us the following verses to consider:

The thorn is exceedingly sharp,
an evil thing for any knight to touch,
uncommonly severe on all who sit among them.

torture of women
and cliff-dweller
and husband of a giantess.

Modern pagan literature insists that Thorn may also be a reactive catalyst, useful for clearing boundaries, purging trauma, or other forms of catharsis, mainly…

James Bond Titles (essay)

2009-11-27T14:37:25Z

James Bond Titles

The James Bond franchise perpetually pulls people in to picture theatres despite being at the point where it's repetitively regurgitating the recombined recycled remnants of the first five or so films for the fifth phase of the franchise. By this point I think people go just to see what combination of key elements have been pulled out of the big box at EON Productions, and whether any interesting twists have been added to them.

The thing about this series is that many of the titles were - and still are - very catchy. I'll happily make the accusation that the Bond franchise has probably been the cause of more generic, knock-off spy thriller titles than anything else. But some of them do seem irrelevant to the story. Well, that's not true in most cases...

Here, for your reading pleasure, is a list of the titles of the James Bond films, novels, and short stories - along with what relevance they have to the plot. I'll go with the order of film…

price war (thing)

2009-11-27T13:44:54Z

A price war is a situation that frequently occurs in an oligopolistic business market when companies begin to aggressively lower their prices to compete with each other, which can cause some pretty interesting price combinations for consumers (like $9 airline tickets).

A Primer on Oligopoly

An oligopoly is a market setup in which there are a few very powerful firms that collectively control most of the product being exchanged in the market. Examples include OPEC, the airline industry, and ye olde broadcast television industry. Because there are only a few powerful firms in the market, they can have a direct impact on the price of goods, unlike in a perfectly competitive market, where the producers all charge basically the same price (think foodstuff markets).

Because of the substantial price-setting power possessed by these firms, each of them has an incentive to drop its prices and capture a larger section of the market. By doing…

Cory Doctorow (person)

2009-11-27T12:24:25Z

Cory Doctorow is a Canadian science fiction author and Internet celebrity who currently resides in London. Doctorow has gained fame in the online world by working with groups such as the Electronic Frontier Foundation and the UK Open Rights Group and by releasing his literary works simultaneously free-of-charge online and in low-cost print form.

Doctorow's novels, short stories, and essays have been nominated for several prestigious awards, such as the Hugo and Nebula Awards, and have won the Prometheus Award and the Indienet Award. Besides making it easy for people to access his books free of charge, Doctorow contends that releasing his works online has actually increased print sales of his books, proving that a pairing free, online releases and print runs can be economically viable.

At the time of writing, Doctorow's latest book is Makers (October 2009), which deals with the issues of innovation during times of economic collapse. His next two…

Friesian (essay)

2009-11-27T10:12:09Z

The most beautiful, graceful, gentle horse in the world, and also the one you've probably seen a lot of. They're average to tall (14.2 to 17 hh), with a rounded nose characteristic of most Spanish breeds. They have small heads and a body that is dependent on their breeding, while mostly they are of a stocky build the more modern, sport-designed Friesians are lighter-boned.

You'll know a Friesian most instantly from their hair. To be classed pedigree standard, a Friesian must have no white markings, and must be perfectly black. Occasionally they will be chestnut, but this is frowned on and won't be accepted as a true Friesian. A Friesian will never have his hair cut, which includes his mane, forelock, tail and fetlocks. The hair on the fetlocks is called "feathers" in the business.

Friesians are gentle in nature, and although their blackness, hair and stocky body makes them seem large and imposing, they are actually very docile and willing horses. Despite this, they…

Re-expansion Theorem (idea)

2009-11-27T08:28:40Z

Course in Complex Analysis, Section 2

Def'n 2.1: The series Σa_n is said to converge to a complex number a if the limit of the sequence of partial sums exists. That's to say,

Σ_n=1^∞a_n = lim_n→∞ Σ_k=1ⁿa_k

whenever the right-hand side exists. A series is said to converge absolutely if the sum of the moduli of the terms converges. Absolutely convergent series are nice because it is possible to rearrange terms freely.

Def'n 2.2: The series of complex-valued functions Σf_n(z) is said to converge uniformly on a compact set K if there exists some function f(z) such that

∀ε>0 ∃N ∀n≥N ∀z∈K |(Σ_k=1ⁿf_k(z)) - f(z)| < ε

…

How Much for just the Planet? (review)

2009-11-27T08:03:26Z

When I was a preteen, I went through phases of channeling my latency into obsessively collecting a variety of things. Lego, comic books, basketball cards, each had a phase of three or so months in which I spent all my energy on it, before moving on to the next thing. And one of those collections was of Star Trek novels. The owners of the Star Trek franchise turned these out in great quantity (and continue to do to this day). Most of the books were numbered. Often, when you are reading a book with the name of a TV show and a number attached, it might not be great literature.

Much like Star Trek in all its incarnations, the books were meant to be the sort of entertainment that was just thought provoking enough to be one grade above pulp. Or at least that was the median: some fell below that standard, and some were above it. Despite the fact that these novels were printed in such great quantity that they are easy to find in even the most…

Complex-differentiable (idea)

2009-11-27T07:48:30Z

Course in Complex Analysis, Section 1

Def'n 1.1: The complex numbers are the algebraic closure of the real numbers. Every complex number can be written in the form a + bi, where a and b are real and i^2 = -1. The complex numbers are a field under the addition and multiplication induced by the reals. The multiplication of two complex numbers is defined as (a + bi)(c + di) = (ac - bd) + (ad + bc)i. The complex numbers as a set are labeled C.

In a natural way the complex numbers look a lot like the real Euclidean plane — viewing them this way is called the Argand plane, after an electrical engineer who used the idea to think about alternating current.

In addition to the field structure, there are three other common operations defined on complex numbers. First, there is complex conjugation, usually written as an overline or a star. If z = x + yi, z* = x - yi. The second is the modulus, which represents the length of a complex number…

surface tension (poetry)

2009-11-27T06:58:49Z

A sonnet

Sometimes, when the world is looking the other way,
I am gorgeous. My eyes and hair shine, I have a glow
I walk with my shoulders back, more graceful than any ballet.
I am a goddess – not that anyone would ever know.
When glances fall on me, I stumble, stutter, spill -
become clumsy and clownish, my radiance fades.
It doesn't matter. Another glorious moment will
sneak up on me, when life's dull tirades
grind me so far down that I need to be lovely again.
I keep my beauty, like treasure, in a velvet box
ready to be applied, a secret balm for secret pain –
a shield against time passing, a curse on clocks.
Remember, when you look, the surface that you see
is only your impression. It never was me.

microphone (how-to)

2009-11-27T06:35:18Z

Most people believe that a microphone is a simple enough instrument that they don't even think about what can go wrong with it. You talk into it, it records you. However, in a similar manner to amateur photography, a little bit of ignorance goes a long way and can produce avoidably shoddy results. There are several quick and easy tips that can help people avoid the most common mistakes with a microphone without going into full-blown sound engineering.

One of the most world-changing things about the internet is that it gives normal people a global audience for blogs and podcasts. But just as poor spelling and grammar can drive people away from a blog, poor recording quality can ruin a podcast. Fortunately, you don't need to hire a professional editor to write a passable blog, and you don't need a recording studio to get decent audio for your podcast. The plastic mic that came with your computer certainly won't let you…

fail (thing)

2009-11-27T02:56:29Z

Okay. Ever had one of those reports you just typed out and turned in, and then you looked at it?

This should make you computer people laugh.

Laptop vs. Desktop

When buying a computer there are many things to…

Season's Greetings (person)

2009-11-27T00:09:08Z

Round and slow moving, her mind is elsewhere.
Flurrying maybes burn holes in her attention,
fear lends thorns to her glances.
Still she pushes on through the Christmas shoppers
a silent knight with shopping trolley steed,
a quixotic queen saving bottles, cans and treasure.
Shrill clusters of family life contend for toys
and peace of mind. Parents match her startled
stare as they sift the mental clatter for the
right mix of food and presents. Children call
like small birds; mouths and eyes all consuming.
The yellow dog waits outside the fish shop, also hopeful.