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NOW AVAILABLE ON YOUTUBE!!
The hot new
trend that's rocking the
nation, it's masturpraytion!! Masturpraytion is straightforwardly enough the combining of two of the most
profound human activities -- that is, the combining of
masturbation with
prayer.
Now there are different ways these things can conceptually be
unified, and probably most commonly what would arise in the mind would be praying you don't get caught
whacking off in a
compromising position. As in "doing some serious masturpraytion over
cousin Sophie's
bikini photos on
Facebook, cause
God help me if I get caught whacking off to that."
But masturpraytion can be something far more
serious and meaningful than that: the paying of an humble
homage to our
Creator by joyously making use of the
self-pleasuring capacity (and
equipment) with which thou hast been blessed!! How
strange a thing it is that some imagine in the same (non-pleasuring)
stroke that there exists a Creator of our Universe which is at the same time
omniscient, and yet is especially condemnatory as to the
reproductive organ manipulation action of some of the hairless
bipeds occupying the surface of a dustspeck
planet circling one amongst hundreds of billions of average
stars in an average
galaxy, in an average
galactic cluster, in what for all we know may well be an average
Universe. This is not to suppose that such a Creator takes no notice of humankind and other potential beings of comparable (and indeed superior) self-awareness, for that surely makes us interesting to partake of....
But consider again, the very nature of omniscience; for an omniscient being would (as was abundantly mathematically proved by Duke University physicist Robert G. Brown with his
Pandeist Theorem) effectively be a one-to-one
information map of our entire Universe, and so, would have to actually
be (or more aptly
contain our Universe); and so would have the full experience of our every moment of
pleasure and
pain, and indeed our perspective of those every moments. And so, it would be correct to conclude that in every instance of self-gratification, thou art sharing in the exactitudes of that experience with any omniscient Creator which might exist, and it is as such that our masturbation equals giving a
handjob to
God!!*
And so, what better way could there be to venerate the
awesomeness of the
entity than to share with it the moments of pleasure which we may most intimately experience for ourselves? Well, except, naturally, by doubling that pleasure in the sharing of those sensations with a partner, for it is also proclaimed that those who "pray" together "stay" together.
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* Yes, well naturally a masturbating girl would not be giving a "handjob," if such is deemed the "digital" companion to a "blowjob," unless you use the term broadly to address doing any such job by hand. But the effect is the same.