I think I finally
hit the wall.
Something terrible
in a wonderful sort of way happened this semester.
My cup-a-day
coffee habit with the occasional extra cup when I really needed it / felt
like it morphed into a full-fledged two-cup-a-day
addiction.
I
hate addictions.
And I
love coffee so much that I really want to be drinking it because I want to
and
not because I have to.
So I decided to break it.
Two weeks or so without it, and then slide back in with a
clear
conscience and a
directive to stay away from the Commons near noon so as not to
invite back my second cup
habit too quickly. I could break it. Nice and easy over
winter break when stress was low and
sleep was high.
I forgot family stress, of course. Spending vast amounts of time with my parents
for the first time in months. Dealing with them not quite accepting my recent choice to
become a vegetarian. Trying to make small talk with the uncle I barely know. Trying
to figure out what the hell my father is talking about when he gets on about this year’s
tax return, and desperately, desperately attempting to gather the will not to tell him to
go fuck off.
The first day I thought my head would explode
And then I forgot holiday stress as well. The fact that I’d left all my shopping for the
three days I was home before Xmas. The struggle to find something more than
meaningless materialistic crap for the best friends from high school I now barely know.
The mall on Xmas eve (shudder). People on all sides and no way out of a
crowded, sweaty store selling junk.
Yesterday the world was in
slow motion. I couldn’t keep up. I thought my brain was
expanding and pressing against my
skull, trying to make my face grow bloated and fat,
distorted through lack of caffeine.
It was beyond caffeine though. I felt like my old friend
coffee had simply
abandoned me, and left me with no one to turn to.
Now what??? Now what do I do without you, my sweet, my darling, my
java???
I cheesed out a bit. I drank
hot chocolate to make myself warm and stave off the
cravings with that tiny little touch of
caffeine. I tried
decaf to make my soul
remember coffee’s
pleasantness. But everywhere I look, something reminds me of
coffee. Everywhere I go, I smell it near, lingering close in the cup I would love
after a way too large
Xmas meal. Every stress, every time I can’t find the words and
feel myself losing my
focus caffeine.
Oh coffee, I miss you so.
But today ... today wasn’t bad. I didn’t have a drop of caffeine. I was good. I barely even
noticed it was gone. Oh the world’s still moving slower, but I think, I just
think I
can see the light coming. It’s floating on down in my dream through
cream, past the
sugar, to
the bottom of this pot, and I’m finally
over the hill.